Wednesday, September 24, 2008

i saw the sign and it opened up my eyes

life has been a little out of whack recently.

boys are bad. very, very bad. ok. not really. i think "i have the hardest time resisting you" is the best quote to describe my feelings right now. but i need to resist. resist, resist, resist. i need to move on. find someone else. but its hard when you like someone so much. but how can i like him so much if i've known him like almost 2 months? i don't know. it doesn't make sense really. but the way i feel is a new feeling. and as much as i want it to end, i want it to never go away. i've never felt so conflicted in my life. 

my dilemna is my own. i am not trusting in the One person who can get me through this. of course my friends are there and are amazing and are doing a wonderful job helping me through this but i know i'm leaving one big one out. i don't know why i can't seem to just drop everything, every feeling, every thought, every emotion and give it up to God. He's the only one who can take this feelings away and make me new again. so why don't i do that? anyone know? seriously, it sucks. 

lindsay said it best last night when she said "if you feel this way about him now, and you barely know each other, and you aren't even dating him, think about how you'll feel if you do date him! and if you don't date him and it is someone else, think about the way you'll feel about that guy because it will be even better than this". i used to say that to people all the time. seriously, that was one of my favorite pieces of advice to give. why couldn't i think of that for myself? whatever. the thought is here now.

so whomever i end up with, i know you are going to be amazing. whomever you may be, i know you'll show yourself to me when you are ready.

now comes the hard part. waiting. 

pray for me!


aside from that...i feel like my friends are fading.  
well, at least one of my best friends is gone. 
i don't even know what happened. and he won't even talk to me to tell me what i did or what happened. it really sucks. and it's also pretty immature. i mean, we're all adults. you can't take a few minutes out of your day to tell me what happened and how we can or can't fix it. its just weird. 

i've known him for almost three years. we were really close and always there for each other and then bam! i spend $500 to visit and i don't even go because he ignores me and doesn't make plans to meet me. i'm not about to go to a foreign city where the only people i know won't join me.

so thanks for ruining the end of my summer.

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