school and stuff

every couple of months or so, i get the urge to go back to school. and almost every time, it is for something different. psychology, photography, child development, teaching, etc. this time around? counseling.

i think in the spring i would probably take a few child development classes just because i get a raise at my work for every 6 units or so i have under my belt. but i also wanna just get my GE done and out of the way. then i am considering transferring to state and getting my degree in counseling. i love giving advice, and i'd like to think i am pretty good at it. and i love helping people and cheering them up. i love the high school age kids so i would want to either work at a high school or some sort of center that helps high school age kids. i just think so many people can't see the good in everything so i wanna help them find it! or something like that. 

i don't know for sure though. those have been my feelings for the last couple of weeks, but we will see how long it lasts. it seems to be changing a lot and i've never really been a school person so i think thats a big reason why i never end up going. i would definitely like to at least finish my GE for sure. i might take some classes in the winter section since i don't get a big break from work anyways so it won't really be much of a vacation no matter what. i need to meet with an advisor first and foremost to see what classes i have and which ones i need to finish. i took some random ones in the past and of the ones i did take, i don't even know how many i passed! like i said before, i've never really been a school person.

i think it was a good idea for me to stop going when i did. and it may have taken 4 years to finally decide to go back, but i finally feel like this is the path God wants me on. i was just wasting my parents money before so i think this time around will be better. especially since i have a purpose for school. i have come to realize that there is no rush. my grandpa dropped out and finally got his degree when he was 50. so who cares at what age you actually graduate.

in addition...

i saw the sign and it opened up my eyes

life has been a little out of whack recently.

boys are bad. very, very bad. ok. not really. i think "i have the hardest time resisting you" is the best quote to describe my feelings right now. but i need to resist. resist, resist, resist. i need to move on. find someone else. but its hard when you like someone so much. but how can i like him so much if i've known him like almost 2 months? i don't know. it doesn't make sense really. but the way i feel is a new feeling. and as much as i want it to end, i want it to never go away. i've never felt so conflicted in my life. 

my dilemna is my own. i am not trusting in the One person who can get me through this. of course my friends are there and are amazing and are doing a wonderful job helping me through this but i know i'm leaving one big one out. i don't know why i can't seem to just drop everything, every feeling, every thought, every emotion and give it up to God. He's the only one who can take this feelings away and make me new again. so why don't i do that? anyone know? seriously, it sucks. 

lindsay said it best last night when she said "if you feel this way about him now, and you barely know each other, and you aren't even dating him, think about how you'll feel if you do date him! and if you don't date him and it is someone else, think about the way you'll feel about that guy because it will be even better than this". i used to say that to people all the time. seriously, that was one of my favorite pieces of advice to give. why couldn't i think of that for myself? whatever. the thought is here now.

so whomever i end up with, i know you are going to be amazing. whomever you may be, i know you'll show yourself to me when you are ready.

now comes the hard part. waiting. 

pray for me!

aside from that...i feel like my friends are fading.  

well, at least one of my best friends is gone. 

i don't even know what happened. and he won't even talk to me to tell me what i did or what happened. it really sucks. and it's also pretty immature. i mean, we're all adults. you can't take a few minutes out of your day to tell me what happened and how we can or can't fix it. its just weird. 

i've known him for almost three years. we were really close and always there for each other and then bam! i spend $500 to visit and i don't even go because he ignores me and doesn't make plans to meet me. i'm not about to go to a foreign city where the only people i know won't join me.

so thanks for ruining the end of my summer.

don’t hold back, don't hesitate, don't disappear

Slide your feet, create the shock

Touch another, watch it pop

Live a little, live a lot

And show me everything you've got

Oh, cause it takes some time

And just a little bit of good

Reality won't hurt for longer than it should

Just talkin' 'bout pain that is there

Face the fact, don't act like you don't care

Cause you gotta stop and show it

Just so I know you know it

Maybe just a little bit

Oh, come on admit it right now

Cause I know that it won't be over til it's gone,

So let it be gone

And show me everything you've got

I know you're scared

But let your walls destruct

You gotta take that step

And your heart just let it pour out

Now I know it's hard to be somethin'

That you don't think you are

But it's hard for me to even try to understand

Why you are beating your own heart

Cause you gotta try,

Just try to be honest and I will be honest

All these things that I say

And now listen clear

Whether brave or you're modest I'm here

Don't hold back, don't hesitate, don't disappear

And show me everything you've got

I know you're scared

But let your walls destruct

You gotta take that step

And your heart just let it pour out

And show me everything you've got

I know you're scared

But it's time for you to start

You gotta take that step

And your heart just let it make sound

So hey, just let it pour out

And don't let your past begin to let you down

Just sing it out

Just let it make sound

And as it will hurt, it will be healed and found

Cause it's normal that

Emotional pasts can spawn emotionalness dads,

Mothers, and nation's flags

So just show your face

No don't be afraid, no don't be afraid to show your face

After all these things I've learned

About things I do and don't deserve

Can easily just shape my life

Shape the way I start to die

No, cause it's up to me if I'll dwell much longer than I should

And I'll hold my tears for years thinkin' it's doing me good

So let's start right now

And just make a vow

You’ll let your heart just sing it out

And show me everything you've got

I know you're scared

But let your walls destruct

You gotta take that step

And your heart just let it pour out

And show me everything you've got

I know you're scared

But it's time for you to start

You gotta take that step

And your heart just let it make sound

update

-you always know what to say to make me feel better and always know how to make me laugh. even though there was a time we were not friends, we still came out the other end and are even closer than ever. And sometimes you need to stop worrying so much. I don't understand what i do to make you doubt our friendship. i love you and thank God for your friendship.


-we had our rough patches at the beginning of our friendship, and i don't even think you knew it. but now, none of that matters. we have both grown so much in the last year, and only closer. i love you so much and love hanging out with you, no matter what we do.


-you are the one person i can tell anything to and know i won't be judged and i don't worry about what will happen. i know that we will be best friends forever. We have gone through so much together and i kind of freak out sometimes because we think/say the same thing and we are practically the same person. i don't know what i would do without you in my life. your constant presence and advice gets me through each and every day and i don't know where and who i would be without you. i love you...dot dot dot!


-we were so close. i loved you and couldn't picture my life without you. but we grew apart and that was ok. i now hear that you have totally changed and are someone i really don't think you are. you constantly change yourself for the people around you and you need to get away from that all and find out who you truly are in yourself. and no one else. just be yourself and know that God loves you for who you are.


-you have grown so much in the past year and i am so proud of you and so blessed to be your friend. you are truly a woman of God and i can only hope to one day be that close to Him. I am so happy for you and your man and you deserve it so much and i hope you realize it.


-i seriously can't believe we are friends sometimes. haha. when i really look at who you are and who i am, we are SO DIFFERENT. yet, we went through a lot together and we were understand each other in ways that others don't see. i love that we are friends and continue to be friends even though we are miles away. ps - don't give up on your one true love (ok, i think this one will know who she is).


-i used to think i would love you forever. it used to be LOVE but then it became love as in friends. but i don't even know anymore. i haven't spoken to you in months. you ignore my phone calls, messages, etc and i just don't get it. i think its because of your new girlfriend and thats what makes it hurt the worse.


-i like being your friend. we always have a good time together but you need to realize he's not the one. end it and get on with your life.


-we got really close and then i backed off a little because you were becoming too needy. When you finally realized it, i guess it was too late. I don't understand why we aren't even friends anymore. you are going back and forth between us and i think its stupid. i don't even really care anymore.


-we don't talk much and we don't have a "friendship" but i love you and i wish we did have a friendship. i see it in others and i get jealous. maybe one day. but who knows.


-when i first met you, i just got this feeling that you could be the one. i still get that feeling when i think about you. if only you could feel it too.