this could be the end, then begin again.

salt tasting tear
they roll off of my lips
one for each day I'm inside this house, it's a trap
one I can't quite escape so pretent it's the place that I love


i want to leave san jose.
i hate having to do things i dont want to because i feel bad.
i dont like living at home.
i want to be free and not feel bad for doing things.
i just want to do them and have that be it.

or maybe i just shouldnt be doing them at all.
there really is no point.

im going to be 22 in less than a month and i think my life is just starting to come together.
well, atleast i hope so.

ugh

i was just trying to help.

but apparently i failed.


im sorry if i hurt you.
those werent my intentions.





i don't even think you know it, but you helped me today.
so thank you.

i will wirte you a song

all i ask, is to find a guy who appreciates me and then writes a song about it like this.

"I Just Do"
-Dear and the Headlights

oh so the words have all been said
i'm feeling so bored it's new to me i guess
i'm scared to death
but oh! i just love you
oh! i just love you
i'm telling my friends i've gotta go
that i need rest but i'm running for the phone
i think Casey knows
but oh! i just love you
oh! i just love you

watch now on my wrist
a collared shirt in hand
clean cuts your dead
i'm lying out the flaws
come meet your new in-laws
now here's the awkward pause
when i look at you
i've caught myself off guard a time or two
there's 20 times i've realized that i've been staring
way too long and you're done talking
not to mention, i've stopped breathing
i'm such a mess

i'm rushing to open your car door
you'll even open mine before
i can turn the key
and oh! i just love you
oh! i just love you
you're calling to say hi on your break
in less than 20 words you've made my whole damn day
oh! i just love you
oh! i just love you

in the coffee shop
you sipped your drink and we all sat and talked
my mind it wandered off
alone to find the
but when you talk you stand still in my side
i switch guides its a wayback in my mind
just then i realized there what i had to do
cause i couldn't stand to look at you
across another crowded room
and know that you would not be mine

oh time drags its feet
but somehow you sneak it past me night after night
at this rate if you stay with me,
you'll go to bed at 23 and wake up 65
well next to you that would be just fine
that'd be just fine

im rushing to open your car door
you'll even open mine before
oh! i just love you
oh! i just love you
you're calling to say hi on your break
you made my whole damn day
oh! i just love you
oh! i just love you
and oh! i just love you
oh! i just love you

i don't belong here

after a week in LA, i am now more confident then ever about moving down to LA. i have been wanting to move down there for awhile now, but i have always been a little scared. i still am of course, i mean, i am moving away from the life i have known for almost 22 years but after being there for the week, everything just felt right. the people were surprisingly nice, the venues were great, we made some sweet new friends and i just had that good feeling, you know?

i dont know if i am explaining it right, but all i know is LA is where i belong at this point of my life and i cant wait until June when this dream finally comes true.

i just want friends. dont get me wrong, i have some and they are the best people in the world. but i feel like i dont fit in here. the kind of people i want to be friends with dont exist in NorCal or something.
i'm getting out.
i'm moving on.
and i couldnt be happier.

you may not understand this, but i do and that's really all that matters. people say "whats so great about LA?" or "LA's too big" or "LA is dirty and sketchy". well, you may be right. but not to me. like i said, its hard to explain. just know that this is what i want and i couldnt be happier.


june, please come quickly.
-jess

life is beautiful

its been awhile, but no one reads this anyways so i'm not going to apologize.


i have been really happy lately. the only thing holding me back from doing the things i wanna do is money, but im still not even letting that stop me. ive just decided money isnt everything so i dont need to go out to eat and i dont need that cute shirt i saw at forever21. but i do need to move out...we'll see how that goes.


the best advice for myself right now is
no boys = no drama



these next couple weeks are going to be rather delightful.

feb 14 - free Copeland show
feb 16 - The Actual at Slim's
feb 18 - leave for SoCal
feb 18 & 19 - hang out with Seth in Santa Barbara
feb 19-24 - hang out with Lindsay
feb 20 - Cartel, Cobra Starship, Boys Like Girls, and Quietdrive in LA
feb 22 - The Wildbirds in LA
feb 23 - maybe The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus in Santa Barbara
feb 24 - maybe a show in LA/maybe a club with The Actual
feb 25 - head home/maybe a show at Slim's
feb 28 - The Moog in SF

and then comes march

march 2 - The Actual at Slim's
march 14 - Taking Back Sunday in SF
march 16 - Taking Back Sunday AND My Chemical Romance in RENO, NEVADA

yeah. im pretty excited for life.