this is just the beginning

i love the song Boston by Augustana and these are the best lines that are my life right now.

I think I'll start a new life
I think I'll start it over
Where no one knows my name
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town to leave this all behind


i'm so ready to start over. i feel like i am only half of who i should be. i think there's so much more to me you haven't seen (that ones for you jes7). so once i get out of this god-forsaken city, i'll finally become the person i know i am. the person who's buried inside, yearning to come out. she's been waiting awhile now, and she'll only have to wait 2 more months.

i feel like last night was a really good night. not only did i get to hang out with my bff, and see some old friends who i didnt realize i missed, but i also just felt really good. i felt like i looked good, which gave me more confidence which made me a better person. i wasnt that shy girl too scared to talk to any guys. i was calm, cool and collected and i had a lot of fun being ME. i really feel that that was just a preview of what its going to be like in LA. not because its LA, but because its a whole new city. a new place where i can start over and finally be whom i'm supposed to be.

catching up

for the first time in a long time, i have been really busy. i usually use it as an excuse for the things "oh, you know, i've been busy" but thats a lie. i'm never busy. i just usually spend my time doing things that arent really necessary. but now, i have been busy.

i'll start with....
friday april 6th, went to san francsico and saw the lashes and then hung out with them until 4am. yeah. pretty much one of the most fun nights of my life.

saturday april 7th, i took pictures at a local park of an easter egg hunt that was put on by my parents church. not mine, my parents. i like saying that because its not my church...but thats a whole different story for a whole different time. anyways, that was fun getting to take pictures of some of the cutest little kids. then i picked up jesssssica, and met shannon and we went to san francisco. dropped of jessssss with nick to see The Killers and shannon and i went to the warfield to see Hellogoodbye, Boys Like Girls, The Hush Sound and A Cursive Memory. It was a great show. it sucks that i was so exhausted, but i still danced.

sunday april 8th, my brothers birthday and easter. got to wear my new dress to church, and saw some people i really missed and also saw some people i wouldnt mind never seeing again. but thats how most places can be. the scofields were in town so they came to church with us. then we went home and had easter lunch. mm mm it was good. then went to jessssss' and we took some promo shots for our sweet ass band (http://www.myspace.com/norwaythebandnotthecountry) and then went to san francsico (3rd day in a row) and saw our friends The Actual.

monday april 9th, MY BIRTHDAY!!!! it started off by me driving to LA but then i picked up lindsay and we headed into hollywood. met up with Danielle (who got me on the guest list, not uncommon) and saw Everybody Else and Rooney. great dance party. saw andy dick, mischa barton and camilla belle. that was cool. friends bought me bday drinks so it was extra fun ;) and it was overall a great night.

tuesday april 10th, did pretty much nothing. sat on lindsays computer and got to talk to jesssss through webcams (which was awesome) and showered and then lindsay took me to in-n-out and then we hung out for awhile and watched Failure to Launch.

wednesday april 11th, for some reason i woke up at 6:45am, but then that reason turned out that max wanted to take me to breakfast =D so i got up and packed, said my goodbyes and went to burbank and met max for breakfast. at about 9:30 i headed home. got home around 2:30, met jess, shannon and craig for early dinner at bj's. then came home and packed for the opposite weather, Oregon.

thurs-sun, went to Oregon. hung out. saw family. shopped. it was really fun. just missed CA alot.

and now i am just working and trying to save up as much money as possible to move out by June 22nd. i cant believe its almost here. yeesh. im stoked.


well this was long, but im pretty sure only 2 people read this and they are 2 of the only people that really matter so whatever.

love you jess and lindsay!!!

but i could never call you mine

Well you're the closest thing I have
To bring up in a conversation
About a love that didnt last
But I could never call you mine
Cause I could never call myself yours
And if we were really meant to be
Well then we justify destiny
Its not that our love died
Just never really bloomed

Well I can't let go
No, I can't let go of you
You're holding me back without even trying to.
I can't let go
I can't move on from the past
Without lifting a finger you're holding me back.

And then we saw our paths diverge
And I guess I felt OK about it.
Until you got with another man,
And then I could't understand
Why it bothered me so.
How we didn't die we just
Never had a chance to grow.

I can't let go
No, I can't let go of you
You're holding me back without even trying to.
I can't let go
I can't move on from the past.
Without lifting a finger you're holding me back.

And it might not make much sense
To you or any of my friends
Though somehow still you affect the things I do.
And you cant lose what you never had
I dont understand why I feel sad
Every time I see you out with someone new.

I can't let go
No, I can't let go
No, I can't let go of you.

I can't let go
No, I can't let go of you
You're holding me back without even trying to.
I can't let go
I can't move on from the past
Without lifting a finger you're holding me back.

this could be the end, then begin again.

salt tasting tear
they roll off of my lips
one for each day I'm inside this house, it's a trap
one I can't quite escape so pretent it's the place that I love


i want to leave san jose.
i hate having to do things i dont want to because i feel bad.
i dont like living at home.
i want to be free and not feel bad for doing things.
i just want to do them and have that be it.

or maybe i just shouldnt be doing them at all.
there really is no point.

im going to be 22 in less than a month and i think my life is just starting to come together.
well, atleast i hope so.

ugh

i was just trying to help.

but apparently i failed.


im sorry if i hurt you.
those werent my intentions.





i don't even think you know it, but you helped me today.
so thank you.