chasing pavements

"Alone people don't like to hear about the together people. Okay. Even if the alone people are alone by choice. It's just sort of mean. It's sort of like bringing a 6-pack to an AA meeting."

broken

The broken clock is a comfort
It helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow
From stealing all my time

And I am here still waiting
Though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best
Like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
Is there healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to youu

The broken locks were a warning
You got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded
I'm an open book instead

And I still see your reflection
Inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose
They're still looking for life

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
Is there healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you

I'm hanging on another day
Just to see what, you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on, to the words you say
You said that I will, will be okay

The broken light on the freeway
Left me here alone
I may have lost my way now
But I haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on
Barely holding on to you

feels like L.A.

Backstory: Ashley's friend Darryl works for some company that provides help to different acts that come into San Francisco. His job is to book their flights, hotels, transportation, etc and make their itinerary. One night, Ashley and he were talking and he told her he would email her a list of upcoming events and he could put her on the guest list. A few weeks later, Ashley received that email and in that email, it showed that there was going to be a midnight showing of our favorite movie, Wet Hot American Summer and some of the cast members were going to be there. So she chose that one, and she chose me to go with her. Something i will never be able to repay her for.

We showed up around 11:15 like Darryl said and talked to the will call guy and he made it sound like we might be able to get in if there's room because it's pretty full...even though we were on the guest list. So we were kind of freaking out and Darryl wasn't there yet (he was driving the cast over from an earlier event they had) but we waited it out. While waiting outside, Zak Orth, walked by. Finally, the guy called us over and gave us our tickets. We walked around the corner from the venue to see Darryl and say thanks when we almost bumped into Michael Showalter. And then we looked past him (Ashley had met him before and he was kind of a jerk so we didn't really care) and we saw everyone else. We then decided to go inside.

Right as we were walking in, it began. David Wain, the director/co-writer, came out and started introducing the cast members. They were Michael Showalter, Zak Orth, Michael Ian Black, Janeane Garofalo, Ken Marino, Joe Lo Truglio, and Peter Salett. They acted out a little of the movie, just being silly, trying to remember things that happened and then they opened it up for questions. No one asked a good question. Everyone was trying to be really funny and it just wasn't working. Ashley and I were pissed because they now probably think their fans are retards.

They left the stage and I went to the bathroom before the movie started and most of them were hanging out in the lobby. So i went back in and told ashley so she came out and we just stood out in the lobby in awe. They were then leaving and we decided we didn't want to stay and watch the movie and have a bunch of lame people quote it when we can watch it in the privacy of our own homes. Then Darryl text us and said they're going to an after party at a bar and we should come. so we did. The bar was closed for the private party and you had to be on the list to get in. We weren't on the list, but Darryl got us in. So we basically hung out in a bar with all those same people (minus Michael Showalter).

Earlier that day and again today they did a thing for an old MTV show called The State. A lot of the WHAS summer cast were on that show plus some others and they were at the bar too including. Thomas Lennon, Kerri Kenney, and Robert Garant. Also, a lot of people from the VH1 show Best Week Ever, were there too. Rob Huebel, Nick Kroll, John Mulaney, and Paul Scheer. Also, Tig from The Sarah Silverman Program and Rob Riggle. We didn't really feel comfortable talking to them so we just were in awe of being in their presence. We did however joke around with Ken Marion, Zak Orth and Nick Kroll by the bathrooms.

As the bar was closing (2am) and we were getting ready to leave, Darryl told us some people were going to be going to this guy Casey's house so we thought "ok. i guess we'll go." It was just a few blocks away and there were a lot of random people there we didn't know but some not so random people we did know (of) including David Wain, Tig, Nick Kroll and Aziz Ansari from the show Human Giant. We just hung out with them until about 4am and finally decided to go home arriving in my bed at 5am.

So yeah, i would say it was probably one of the greatest nights of my life.

this must be it. welcome to the new year.

every year, i have the same "resolutions". eat better, exercise. read the Bible, blah, blah, blah. it doesn't happen.

this year will be different. no more resolutions. just happiness.

part 1:
i signed up for 2 classes at West Valley.
U.S. History and Counseling 12.
i've never been excited for school.
and i am now? no, i am. i swear. just nervous.

part 2:
i no longer attend Hillside.
and i am trying out a new high school group (to be a volunteer).

part 3:
i have amazing friends who keep me sane, happy and confident.
i don't know where i wold be without their constant support and love.
i can't really go on without crying.

and on my to-do list:
abide by Psalm 37:4 'Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.'
save money (pay off debts & move out)
travel
say yes (this one is from Yes Man)

i think that's all. at least for now.

another 2008 recap

1) Best moments of 2008:
cat n fiddle. los angeles. birthday. tahoe. hume. contentment. kisses. best friends. concerts. new friends. old friends. oregon.

2) What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
went to Utah.

3) Did you keep the new year resolution that you made last year?
i dont make resolutions for this exact reason

4) Did anyone close to you give birth?
not close to me.

5) Did anyone close to you die?
nope.

6) What countries did you visit?
none

7) What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
happiness, love, contentment

8) What dates from 2008 with be etched upon your memory?
nicole's birthday, dear and the headlights concerts, new years in tahoe

9) What was your biggest achievement of the year?
getting a full time job

10) What was your biggest failure?
falling HARD

11) Did you suffer illness or injury?
nothing more than a broken heart

12) What was the best thing you bought?
computer

13) Whose behavior merited celebration?
lindsay, nicole, brooke, betsy

14) Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
this one boy.

15) Where did most of your money go?
gas, clothes, travels

16) What did you get really, really excited about?
thinking it was something more than it was. making new friends. all the concerts and new music.

17) What songs will always remind you of 2008?
i know - dear and the headlights
gives you hell - the all-american rejects
so what - pink
shut up and let me go, that's not my name - the ting tings
be ok - ingrid michaelson
you are the best thing - ray lamontagne
better in time - leona lewis

18) Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder: about the same
b) thinner or fatter: the same
c) richer or poorer: richer

19) What do you wish you'd done more of?
saving money. trusting God. not trusting boys.

20) What do you wish you'd done less of?
mope, complain

21) How did you spend Christmas?
with my family

22) Did you fall in love in 2008?
nope

23) How many one night stands?
zero

24) What was your favorite tv program?
gossip girl. the office. the hills. 30 rock. grey's anatomy. kath & kim. LOST. privileged.

25) What was the best book you read?
the shack. the last 2 harry potters.

26) What was your greatest musical discovery?
the ting tings. band of horses. barcelona. she & him.

27) What did you want and get?
a full time job.

28) What did you want and not get?
love.

29) What was your favorite film of the year?
the dark knight

30) What did you do on your birthday?
drinks with friends and a party a few days later

31) What would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
contentment

32) How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
not caring anymore.

33) What kept you sane?
friends. music.

34) What celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
always: gavin degraw, christian bale, paul rudd and john krasinski
new: chace crawford, david cook and dustin kensrue

35) What political issue stirred you the most?
i didn't care enough

36)Who do you miss?
nicole, adam, extended family

37) Who was the best new person you met?
a lot of re-kindled friendships and my new years friends

38) Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008?
take your time with everything. and you have to work for what you want.

39) Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"conjuring up my melancholy, oh this can't go on
certain my sadness was necessary, oh i've been so wrong
and all that distance that i dispatch will never help me feel less alone
stope all that dark and senseless brooding, sing a different song
don't get dramatic this ain't the movies, turn the camera off
yeah all that acting seemed fun at first but i've been playing this roll for too long"

40) Was 2008 a good year for you?
not really.

41) What was your least favorite moment of the year?
getting my heart broken, moving back into my parents house

42) Where were you when 2008 began?
in los angeles watching Batman Begins

43) Favorite album of 2008?
drunk like bible times - dear and the headlights
when the world comes down - the all-american rejects
19 - adele
be ok - ingrid michaelson
cease to begin - band of horses
absolutes - barcelona

44) Least favorite album of 2008?
i hate to admit it, but gavin's album was an epic disappointment.

45) Favorite color of 2008?
black and royal blue

46) Favorite holiday of 2008?
christmas

47) Favorite drink of 2008?
peppermint mocha

48) Where will you be when 2008 ends?
i was in tahoe :)

49) Who will you be with when 2008 ends?
brooke, arianne, christy, matt, craig, jared, dana, kip

50) Do you have a new years resolution for 2009?
just to be freaking happy and become and adult

51) Did you break up with anyone in 2008?
kinda

52) Did you make any new friends in 2008?
yes

53) What was your favorite month of 2008?
probably july

54) How many different states did you travel to in 2008?
oregon and utah

55) Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2008?
no

56) Did you do a lot of drugs in 2008?
no

57) Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year?
unfortunately

58) How much money did you spend in 2008?
too much

59) What are you plans for 2009?
school, work, new job?, travel, new friends, have fun, concerts

60) Any advice or last words?
just be happy

2008 in review

as 2009 approaches, i thought i would recap some of what went down in my life in the year of 2008. so here we go...

January:
-2008 started off with me sitting in my Los Angeles apartment, watching Batman Begins and texting my boy who was in NY. At this point, there were 4 of us living there, Michelle and Jordyn in one room and nicole and i in the other. We also had an invisible roommate who was paying rent while living in South Dakota or something like that (she ended up moving in about a week after i moved out). My roommate nicole and i were going to have people over, but we had only a few friends and changed our minds last minute. i am not sure the exact reason, but i am guessing it had something to do with Brian, Nicole's creepy friend/stalker/worshipper. He was planning on coming and i think she freaked. so nicole and i were to spend it together. she fell asleep at 10.
-Ashley came down to visit me and we began discussing the idea of me moving back home because she wouldn't be able to afford moving to LA and my work (Virgin Megastore on Sunset) had closed down. So that following weekend, Ashley, Lindsay, Melissa and I road-tripped it up to san jose, mainly for my dad's 50th birthday party. I asked my parents if i could move home and of course the obliged and i got to tell some of my best friends that night that i would be returning. I felt peace. and they were all happy :)

February:
-I went to Utah to visit the boy. It was a lot of fun. it was also really hard. we both knew it wouldn't last but it definitely was fun while it lasted. While i was gone, Nicole called me everyday. Not because she missed me, although i am sure that was part of it, but because they were having some issues with Jordyn. Long story short, Jordyn got pissed at michelle and nicole, drew creepy pictures of michelle in her journal, keyed Nicole's social security number into Michelle's car and denied the bullemia we all knew she had. So she moved out while i was gone.
-Nicole's 21st birthday was the 14th, and we were both so exhausted, we stayed in that night. So the next night, Lindsay joined Nicole and I for Nicole's 21st birthday celebration. Probably one of the funnest nights i have ever had. We went to our favorite Hollywood bar, Cat N Fiddle, and just had an absolute blast. Nicole then decided we should meet up with her co-worker in Westwood (about a 20 min drive, and yes, i was driving). So we met him at a hookah bar. Persian city. it was awkward. really, really, awkward. So we left soon after, and headed back to the apartment. Lindsay left and the next morning, Nicole and our roommate michelle and i went out to breakfast at The Griddle. So delicious. The i packed up the rest of my stuff, said goodbye to my remaining 2 roommates and headed to San Jose. I found out later they both cried after i left. that meant a lot to me.
-4 days after moving back, i went on an interview at the preschool my old boss/youth pastor's wife/friend was the director at and met the other director and started work the following day. When i moved to LA, it took me 2 months to get a job and within 5 days i moving to san jose, i had one. Kind of a sign i did the right thing.

March:
-I finally got a great picture with Gavin DeGraw. After seeing him and meeting him about 7 times and taking a picture with him almost every single time, i finally got one where i looked good. On the down side though, his show was cancelled because he was sick. But he hung around to personally apologize to his fans, the sweetest man ever, and take pictures. I talked to him. A lot. I was so cool and so calm even though i am madly in love with him. I invited him to get drinks with ashley and i but he never made it, like he said he probably wouldn't. but i had to ask! i don't know what came over me, but that was probably the best hour of my life. And oh yeah, he really liked my yellow jacket.

April:
-To start the month, Brooke and I saw one of our favorite bands, Steel Train, at one of my favorite venues, Slim’s. It was SO GOOD.
-The day before my birthday, Brooke and I went to San Jose State Event Center and saw Dear and the Headlights (our favorite band) open for Paramore who opened for Jimmy Eat World. Yeah, I guess you could say it was one of the best concerts I have ever been to.
-On my actual birthday, a bunch of friends helped me celebrate at Khartum’s in Campbell. It was really fun!
-That Friday, my brother decided to throw a party and invited myself and his friend Kevin to make it a combined party. He loves them parties to the theme was dress up as your favorite Jon, Kevin or Jessica. There was someone who received a Dear John Letter, Jessica Simpson, JonJacobJingleHeimerSchmit, I was John Krasinski as Jim Halpert as Dwight Shrute, there was a John (a toilet), John Lennon, Kevin Bacon, John Dunbar, Jessica Walter, and many, many more. It was way fun. So all in all, I had a pretty fun birthday.

May:
-I took a roadtrip down to Cal Poly and visited Arianne before she graduated. We went to her usual Thursday night place and went line dancing! It was pretty ridiculous because I had no idea what I was doing and she is like a pro. Then I finished the drive and headed to LA. At this point Nicole had moved out of an apartment with Michelle and Michelle’s sister because of a sketchy landlord and a lot of sneakiness going on behind her back. So she was living with a coworker in Silverlake, the place we wanted to move to before I moved home. We went to our bar again and met up with my friend Max and some other guy we won't speak of anymore. Max said we could stay at his mom's place so we drove up the hill, yes, THE HILL. Beverly Hills. Did i mention who max's mom is? Nora Ephron. It ended up not working out because they were having painters come over early the next morning so he drove us back to Nicole's place. Darn.
-Lindsay moved home. I was so thrilled for this.
-Robbie and Stacy had Thrice tickets but couldn't make it, so they sold them to brooke and I. I had tried to get tickets but they were already sold out so i was stoked. It was so good. Dustin Kensrue is my perfect man. If he wasn't already married, i would think he was my soulmate. No joke.

June:
-Shannon's family went camping in Tahoe and she invited me along for a weekend. It was way fun. I hadn't been in so long and after going ever summer since i was like 5, i was pretty excited to get to go back. We didn't do much, but we did enough to have a really good time.
-Saw Steel Train again at Slim's and also Augustana at Music in the Park. both great shows.

July:
-I went to Hume Lake as a counselor for the high school group at hillside and had a great time getting to know those girls. Hume is always amazing and it was definitely a different experience not really knowing the girls very well, but it was still fun.
-Saw John Mayer for the 2nd time at Shoreline with Greta, Vanessa and Breanne. I don't know how he does it, but he is still so good even though we were really far away.

August:
-August was definitely not my month. i don't really even know what to write here without bringing back some great memories that turned out not so good. Long story short, I met a boy, he led me on, broke my heart, and stopped talking to me. Normally, no big. But i thought this one was a keeper. and he led me on, so i thought he was in it too. Guess that'll teach me to fall fast again. Lesson learned God.
-the other horrible thing that happened to me was one of my best friends stopped talking to me out of the blue. Adam lives in WI and i have only actually hung out with him once. but we had known each other for almost 3 years and talked on the phone at least once a month. We were really close. I finally had the money to fly out to see him so we decided to meet in Chicago and hang out there for the weekend. I bought the tickets (twice because i had to change the first ones) and we were in the final stages of planning the details when he stopped returning my phone calls, stopped responding to my messages and comments and just completely forced me out of my life. To this day, i still don't know why. I don't know if i did something, if he just had a change of heart, if his new girlfriend didn't want him talking to him or what. I wrote him a message asking for an explanation and never heard back. So after 3 years of friendship, that was that. It still hurts to think about and it still confuses me beyond belief.

September:
-I can't remember much about September. Went to Oregon with the family and that's about all.

October:
-After not seeing Holly (who moved back to Roseville in April) since she moved away, i finally was able to make a trip to see her. Betsy and i headed up and Holly had no idea i was coming along. It was really fun getting to surprise her. We went out to dinner with her and Betsy's sister Emily and their roommate Sarah and just got to talk and hang out and watch movies. My favorite part of the trip was going to sleep. Holly shared her bed with me and we just talked and talked and talked all about life and boys and God and family and everything we were going through and it was so amazing! i will cherish that time for a long time.
-Brooke, Betsy and I took Lindsay out to dinner for her birthday. We got all dressed up and went to PFChang's downtown and had an absolute blast.
-Brooke, Betsy, her boyfriend Kenny, Ian, Michelle and I went to Slim's and saw The Reign of Kindo, Barcelona and Sherwood. My brother had been on tour with Sherwood for a few weeks so i got to see him and those are three of my favorite bands and some of my favorite people so all in all, it was a good time.
-I finally had a really fun halloween. I found my perfect costume the day before, Batman, and wore it to work and then went to a party and Brent and Sarah's and hung out with some good friends.

November:
_November started out with some great concerts. First, She & Him (Zooey Deschanel's band) at Bimbo's 365 which was a venue I had never been to and it was a awesome venue and an amazing show. I love that band.
-Then, we were very blessed that 2 of our favorite bands were going on tour together. Dear and the Headlights and Steel Train. And they played at another favorite venue of mine, Bottom of the Hill. So lindsay, brooke and i headed up and had an absolutely phenomenal time. Another one of the best shows i have ever been to.
-I once again went down to visit Nicole. By now she was living back at home in Visalia so i drove down there thursday night and we left for L.A. friday morning, checked into our hotel, went shopping, went to our usual Cat N Fiddle with her friend Denise, got ridiculously wasted, went back to Visalia saturday afternoon and hung out all day while we recovered adn then i came home sunday morning and an hour later went to Laurel Warwick's bridal shower.
-For thanksgiving, my family went up to Willits and had dinner with my mom's sister and family. It was really fun. and the next day we just hung out and walked around the little town and then came home that night.

December:
-My mom and i went to Oregon to visit her family. My cousin who is in the air force has been stationed in Japan for 4 years or so, came back to the states with her family so they got to all come up too. I met my cousin Michael for the first time and got to play with two 3 year olds too. I know, i am a dork. And I was happy because there was lots of snow!!!
-Lindsay and i hosted our first annual Christmas Potluck Brunch/Ornament Exchange and it was a definite success! There was 9 of us total, everyone brought a breakfast dish and an ornament. We ate and then played a fun game to exchange ornaments and hung out for a little bit. It was a good time.
-Christmas Eve, I worked til 3 while the rest of my family went to celebrate it with my dad's side of the family. I met up with brooke and lindsay after work and we gave lindsay he present. My family got home around 7 and we had Panda Express and watched A Christmas Story.
-Christmas day, we all got up early and went to a 6am church service. It was early, but a great way to start off Christmas day. Singing old hymns and hearing the prophecies of Jesus' birth all the way to His birth was really nice. We came home, had cinnamon rolls, a Havens family tradition for Christmas morning. We then opened stockings and presents. I got The Office Season 4, Transformers, brown boots, black jacket, a calendar, an ornament, Julie Andrews book Home, and i can't remember what else, but that's the jist of it. Then we went and saw Yes Man which i REALLY liked. that night i watched Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.
-Two of my new favorite things i got but not for christmas is a Canon Rebel camera my aunt gave me and brooke sold me her old (about a year old) record player.

As i look back on 2008, there were many many ups and downs. I definitely think 2009 will be a better year. I just have a really good attitude going into it. We shall see!


ps - if you read through this, you must really like me.

my favorite christmas song

O holy night! The stars are brightly shining,
It is the night of our dear Saviour's birth.
Long lay the world in sin and error pining,
'Til He appear'd and the soul felt its worth.

A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices,
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.

Fall on your knees! O, hear the angels' voices!
O night divine, O night when Christ was born;
O night divine, O night, O night Divine.

Truly He taught us to love one another;
His law is love and His gospel is peace.
Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother;
And in His name all oppression shall cease.

Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we,
Let all within us praise His holy name.

Christ is the Lord! O praise His Name forever,
His power and glory evermore proclaim.
His power and glory evermore proclaim.



and my favorite version of this song:

1st annual Christmas Party

about me

my old roommate nicole just changed her about me section on myspace. that was my inspiration.

I have a fantasy of becoming a rock star. I would call it a secret fantasy but now everyone knows so its not so secret anymore.

I'm not afraid to admit that I would rather be a stay at home mom than anything else. But I am smart enough to know that it most likely won't happen.

I have worked with kids since I was in the 7th grade but don't know how much longer I can last.

I am a really good listener and unlike most people, I don't really like to talk about myself. and when I do, I feel selfish (and yes, thinking of all these things has been very difficult).

My friends are my world. I can't imagine where I would be or who I would be without them in my life. 

I've loved Christian Bale since I was probably 8 years old. It's not just some "Batman" thing. 

And with that, I loved Batman before Christian Bale. But I can't deny he helped.

I am not "religious" and I don't like calling myself a "Christian". I have a relationship with He who loves me more than anyone and although I can't understand it and don't always believe it, He's always there for me and never leaves my side.

As  cliche as this sounds, I love my grandma's cooking.

I'd like to live in New York, Chicago and Colorado at some point in my life. I think I should visit those places first and then see where it goes from there.

I regret nothing. Everything happens for a reason. As hard as it is for me to see it sometimes, I really, truly believe it.

I hate when someone adds me on myspace or facebook and then doesn't even talk to me. Even if I "make the first move".

I've decided to go back to school and get my degree in Counseling with a minor in Photography. I am so excited and at the same time scared as hell that I won't be good at it.

Music is a huge part of my life. It can change my mood, heal my wounds, open up old ones, spark friendships and even make me love someone more than ever imagined.

ok. that'll do for now.

just 2

why can't i just be over it?

i don't get closure so i don't move on.

i like to just blame it all on you.

it's easier that way.

sometimes i think that people are too involved in themselves and their own issues to see mine. and if they do see them, and ask about them, i begin to feel selfish talking so much about me. so i ask about them. and it's a vicious cycle.

if you don't, don't

What’s wrong baby,
Don’t they treat you like they should?
Did you take ’em for it?
Every penny that you could?

We once walked out on the beach
And once I almost touched your hand
Oh how I dreamed to finally say such things
Then only to pretend

Don’t you know what I’m thinkin’
Drivin' 405 past midnight
You know I miss you
Don’t you know that I miss you
Ninth and Ash on a Tuesday night

I would write to you from museum mile
A toast to you, your whisper, your smile
Up the stairs at Weatherford
A ghost each place I hide

If you don’t don't know, why would you say so?
Would you mean this please if it happens?
If you don’t know, why would you say so?
Won’t you get your story straight
If you don’t know, honey, would you just say so?
Cause I need this now
More than I ever did
If you don’t well, honey, then you don’t

I left you waiting,
At the least could we be friends?
Should have never started
Ain’t that the way it always ends?

On my life I'll try today
There’s so muchI've felt I should say, but
Even if your heart would listen
I Doubt I could explain

If you don't don't know, why'd you say so?
Would you mean this, please if it happens?
If you don’t know, Why would you say so?
Won’t you get your story straight
If you don’t know, honey, would you just say so?
Cause I need this now more than I ever did
If you don’t well, honey
Then you don’t

So here we are now
A sip of wine a sip of water
Someday maybe, maybe
Someday we’ll be smarter

And I’m sorry that I’m such a mess
I drank all my money could get and
Took everything You let me have and Then I
never loved you back

If you don’t don't know
Why would you say so?
Would you mean the
Please if it happens?
If you don’t know, why would you say so?
Won’t you get your story straight?
If you don’t know, honey, would you just say so?
Cause I need this now. yeah need this, need this
If you don’t well, honey, then you don’t
And if you don’t well, honey then you don’t
If you don’t know, honey
Honey, then you don’t

tuesday came and i feigned happy

i wish i could write everything thats been going on.

i wish i could put into words what i have been going through lately.

but really, i don't even know myself.

i am just so thankful that God has blessed me with my friends and my small group.

without them, i don't know where or who i'd be.

they listen.

they tell it like it is.

they make me see things i didn't see.

they make me better.

feel better.

be a better person.

i'm learning to go to God with everything.

prayers and praises.

the good, the bad and the ugly.

its all His.

and i just want to let go of it and give it all to Him.

seems so simple right?

then why is it the hardest thing i've ever tried to do?

and just can't seem to do it?

we’ve no more space

for all your tired and dirty past

and i believe it all to be true

beyond this time, you’ll pull through

you’ll pull through

you're a tool

So so what

I'm still a rock star

I got my rock moves

And I don't need you

And guess what

I'm havin' more fun

And now that we're done

I'm gonna show you 

Tonight

I'm alright

I'm just fine

And you're a tool, so

So what

I am a rock star

I got my rock moves

And I don't want you tonight

i know

Gone for a while and then blink and revile

My old habits get confused 

They’ve been placating my mood

And selling me cheap solitude

But I’ve run out of reasons to pay 

‘Cause I know you care

And I’ve grown so tired of not being there 

And I know you care 

So I’m cutting off familiar happenings 

Conjuring up my melancholy, no that can’t go on

Certain my sadness was necessary, Oh I’ve been so wrong

And all that distance that I dispatch won’t ever help me feel less alone

Stop all that dark and senseless brooding sing a different song

Don’t get dramatic, this ain’t the movies, turn the camera off

Yeah all that acting seemed fun at first

But I’ve been playing this role for too long

school and stuff

every couple of months or so, i get the urge to go back to school. and almost every time, it is for something different. psychology, photography, child development, teaching, etc. this time around? counseling.

i think in the spring i would probably take a few child development classes just because i get a raise at my work for every 6 units or so i have under my belt. but i also wanna just get my GE done and out of the way. then i am considering transferring to state and getting my degree in counseling. i love giving advice, and i'd like to think i am pretty good at it. and i love helping people and cheering them up. i love the high school age kids so i would want to either work at a high school or some sort of center that helps high school age kids. i just think so many people can't see the good in everything so i wanna help them find it! or something like that. 

i don't know for sure though. those have been my feelings for the last couple of weeks, but we will see how long it lasts. it seems to be changing a lot and i've never really been a school person so i think thats a big reason why i never end up going. i would definitely like to at least finish my GE for sure. i might take some classes in the winter section since i don't get a big break from work anyways so it won't really be much of a vacation no matter what. i need to meet with an advisor first and foremost to see what classes i have and which ones i need to finish. i took some random ones in the past and of the ones i did take, i don't even know how many i passed! like i said before, i've never really been a school person.

i think it was a good idea for me to stop going when i did. and it may have taken 4 years to finally decide to go back, but i finally feel like this is the path God wants me on. i was just wasting my parents money before so i think this time around will be better. especially since i have a purpose for school. i have come to realize that there is no rush. my grandpa dropped out and finally got his degree when he was 50. so who cares at what age you actually graduate.

in addition...

i saw the sign and it opened up my eyes

life has been a little out of whack recently.

boys are bad. very, very bad. ok. not really. i think "i have the hardest time resisting you" is the best quote to describe my feelings right now. but i need to resist. resist, resist, resist. i need to move on. find someone else. but its hard when you like someone so much. but how can i like him so much if i've known him like almost 2 months? i don't know. it doesn't make sense really. but the way i feel is a new feeling. and as much as i want it to end, i want it to never go away. i've never felt so conflicted in my life. 

my dilemna is my own. i am not trusting in the One person who can get me through this. of course my friends are there and are amazing and are doing a wonderful job helping me through this but i know i'm leaving one big one out. i don't know why i can't seem to just drop everything, every feeling, every thought, every emotion and give it up to God. He's the only one who can take this feelings away and make me new again. so why don't i do that? anyone know? seriously, it sucks. 

lindsay said it best last night when she said "if you feel this way about him now, and you barely know each other, and you aren't even dating him, think about how you'll feel if you do date him! and if you don't date him and it is someone else, think about the way you'll feel about that guy because it will be even better than this". i used to say that to people all the time. seriously, that was one of my favorite pieces of advice to give. why couldn't i think of that for myself? whatever. the thought is here now.

so whomever i end up with, i know you are going to be amazing. whomever you may be, i know you'll show yourself to me when you are ready.

now comes the hard part. waiting. 

pray for me!

aside from that...i feel like my friends are fading.  

well, at least one of my best friends is gone. 

i don't even know what happened. and he won't even talk to me to tell me what i did or what happened. it really sucks. and it's also pretty immature. i mean, we're all adults. you can't take a few minutes out of your day to tell me what happened and how we can or can't fix it. its just weird. 

i've known him for almost three years. we were really close and always there for each other and then bam! i spend $500 to visit and i don't even go because he ignores me and doesn't make plans to meet me. i'm not about to go to a foreign city where the only people i know won't join me.

so thanks for ruining the end of my summer.

don’t hold back, don't hesitate, don't disappear

Slide your feet, create the shock

Touch another, watch it pop

Live a little, live a lot

And show me everything you've got

Oh, cause it takes some time

And just a little bit of good

Reality won't hurt for longer than it should

Just talkin' 'bout pain that is there

Face the fact, don't act like you don't care

Cause you gotta stop and show it

Just so I know you know it

Maybe just a little bit

Oh, come on admit it right now

Cause I know that it won't be over til it's gone,

So let it be gone

And show me everything you've got

I know you're scared

But let your walls destruct

You gotta take that step

And your heart just let it pour out

Now I know it's hard to be somethin'

That you don't think you are

But it's hard for me to even try to understand

Why you are beating your own heart

Cause you gotta try,

Just try to be honest and I will be honest

All these things that I say

And now listen clear

Whether brave or you're modest I'm here

Don't hold back, don't hesitate, don't disappear

And show me everything you've got

I know you're scared

But let your walls destruct

You gotta take that step

And your heart just let it pour out

And show me everything you've got

I know you're scared

But it's time for you to start

You gotta take that step

And your heart just let it make sound

So hey, just let it pour out

And don't let your past begin to let you down

Just sing it out

Just let it make sound

And as it will hurt, it will be healed and found

Cause it's normal that

Emotional pasts can spawn emotionalness dads,

Mothers, and nation's flags

So just show your face

No don't be afraid, no don't be afraid to show your face

After all these things I've learned

About things I do and don't deserve

Can easily just shape my life

Shape the way I start to die

No, cause it's up to me if I'll dwell much longer than I should

And I'll hold my tears for years thinkin' it's doing me good

So let's start right now

And just make a vow

You’ll let your heart just sing it out

And show me everything you've got

I know you're scared

But let your walls destruct

You gotta take that step

And your heart just let it pour out

And show me everything you've got

I know you're scared

But it's time for you to start

You gotta take that step

And your heart just let it make sound

update

-you always know what to say to make me feel better and always know how to make me laugh. even though there was a time we were not friends, we still came out the other end and are even closer than ever. And sometimes you need to stop worrying so much. I don't understand what i do to make you doubt our friendship. i love you and thank God for your friendship.


-we had our rough patches at the beginning of our friendship, and i don't even think you knew it. but now, none of that matters. we have both grown so much in the last year, and only closer. i love you so much and love hanging out with you, no matter what we do.


-you are the one person i can tell anything to and know i won't be judged and i don't worry about what will happen. i know that we will be best friends forever. We have gone through so much together and i kind of freak out sometimes because we think/say the same thing and we are practically the same person. i don't know what i would do without you in my life. your constant presence and advice gets me through each and every day and i don't know where and who i would be without you. i love you...dot dot dot!


-we were so close. i loved you and couldn't picture my life without you. but we grew apart and that was ok. i now hear that you have totally changed and are someone i really don't think you are. you constantly change yourself for the people around you and you need to get away from that all and find out who you truly are in yourself. and no one else. just be yourself and know that God loves you for who you are.


-you have grown so much in the past year and i am so proud of you and so blessed to be your friend. you are truly a woman of God and i can only hope to one day be that close to Him. I am so happy for you and your man and you deserve it so much and i hope you realize it.


-i seriously can't believe we are friends sometimes. haha. when i really look at who you are and who i am, we are SO DIFFERENT. yet, we went through a lot together and we were understand each other in ways that others don't see. i love that we are friends and continue to be friends even though we are miles away. ps - don't give up on your one true love (ok, i think this one will know who she is).


-i used to think i would love you forever. it used to be LOVE but then it became love as in friends. but i don't even know anymore. i haven't spoken to you in months. you ignore my phone calls, messages, etc and i just don't get it. i think its because of your new girlfriend and thats what makes it hurt the worse.


-i like being your friend. we always have a good time together but you need to realize he's not the one. end it and get on with your life.


-we got really close and then i backed off a little because you were becoming too needy. When you finally realized it, i guess it was too late. I don't understand why we aren't even friends anymore. you are going back and forth between us and i think its stupid. i don't even really care anymore.


-we don't talk much and we don't have a "friendship" but i love you and i wish we did have a friendship. i see it in others and i get jealous. maybe one day. but who knows.


-when i first met you, i just got this feeling that you could be the one. i still get that feeling when i think about you. if only you could feel it too.

ever since the world began

I know something about love
You've gotta want it bad
If that guy's got into your blood
Go out and get him
If you want him to be
The very part of you
Makes you want to breathe
Here's the thing to do

Tell him that you're not never gonna leave him
Tell him that you're always gonna love him
Tell him, tell him, tell him, tell him right now

I know something about love, you gotta show it and
Make him see the moon up above
Reach out and get him
If you want him
Makes your heart sing out
If you want him to only think of you

Tell him that you're not never gonna leave him
Tell him that you're always gonna love him
Tell him, tell him, tell him, tell him right now

Ever since the world began, it's been that way for man
And women were created to make love their destiny
Then why should true love be so complicated? Oh yeah!

I know something about love
You gotta take his hand
Show him what the world is made of
One kiss will prove it
If you want him to be always by your side
Take his hand tonight, swallow your foolish pride

Tell him that you're not never gonna leave him
Tell him that you're always gonna love him
Tell him, tell him, tell him, tell him right now