...but the greatest of these is Love

chasing pavements

2009-02-09T20:49:00.001-08:00

"Alone people don't like to hear about the together people. Okay. Even if the alone people are alone by choice. It's just sort of mean. It's sort of like bringing a 6-pack to an AA meeting."

broken

2009-02-07T11:02:00.000-08:00

The broken clock is a comfort
It helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow
From stealing all my time

And I am here still waiting
Though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best
Like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
Is there healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to youu

The broken locks were a warning
You got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded
I'm an open book instead

And I still see your reflection
Inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose
They're still looking for life

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
Is there healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you

I'm hanging on another day
Just to see what, you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on, to the words you say
You said that I will, will be okay

The broken light on the freeway
Left me here alone
I may have lost my way now
But I haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on
Barely holding on to you

feels like L.A.

2009-01-25T13:08:00.000-08:00

Backstory: Ashley's friend Darryl works for some company that provides help to different acts that come into San Francisco. His job is to book their flights, hotels, transportation, etc and make their itinerary. One night, Ashley and he were talking and he told her he would email her a list of upcoming events and he could put her on the guest list. A few weeks later, Ashley received that email and in that email, it showed that there was going to be a midnight showing of our favorite movie, Wet Hot American Summer and some of the cast members were going to be there. So she chose that one, and she chose me to go with her. Something i will never be able to repay her for.

We showed up around 11:15 like Darryl said and talked to the will call guy and he made it sound like we might be able to get in if there's room because it's pretty full...even though we were on the guest list. So we were kind of freaking out and Darryl wasn't there yet (he was driving the cast over from an earlier event they had) but we waited it out. While waiting outside, Zak Orth, walked by. Finally, the guy called us over and gave us our tickets. We walked around the corner from the venue to see Darryl and say thanks when we almost bumped into Michael Showalter. And then we looked past him (Ashley had met him before and he was kind of a jerk so we didn't really care) and we saw everyone else. We then decided to go inside.

Right as we were walking in, it began. David Wain, the director/co-writer, came out and started introducing the cast members. They were Michael Showalter, Zak Orth, Michael Ian Black, Janeane Garofalo, Ken Marino, Joe Lo Truglio, and Peter Salett. They acted out a little of the movie, just being silly, trying to remember things that happened and then they opened it up for questions. No one asked a good question. Everyone was trying to be really funny and it just wasn't working. Ashley and I were pissed because they now probably think their fans are retards.

They left the stage and I went to the bathroom before the movie started and most of them were hanging out in the lobby. So i went back in and told ashley so she came out and we just stood out in the lobby in awe. They were then leaving and we decided we didn't want to stay and watch the movie and have a bunch of lame people quote it when we can watch it in the privacy of our own homes. Then Darryl text us and said they're going to an after party at a bar and we should come. so we did. The bar was closed for the private party and you had to be on the list to get in. We weren't on the list, but Darryl got us in. So we basically hung out in a bar with all those same people (minus Michael Showalter).

Earlier that day and again today they did a thing for an old MTV show called The State. A lot of the WHAS summer cast were on that show plus some others and they were at the bar too including. Thomas Lennon, Kerri Kenney, and Robert Garant. Also, a lot of people from the VH1 show Best Week Ever, were there too. Rob Huebel, Nick Kroll, John Mulaney, and Paul Scheer. Also, Tig from The Sarah Silverman Program and Rob Riggle. We didn't really feel comfortable talking to them so we just were in awe of being in their presence. We did however joke around with Ken Marion, Zak Orth and Nick Kroll by the bathrooms.

As the bar was closing (2am) and we were getting ready to leave, Darryl told us some people were going to be going to this guy Casey's house so we thought "ok. i guess we'll go." It was just a few blocks away and there were a lot of random people there we didn't know but some not so random people we did know (of) including David Wain, Tig, Nick Kroll and Aziz Ansari from the show Human Giant. We just hung out with them until about 4am and finally decided to go home arriving in my bed at 5am.

So yeah, i would say it was probably one of the greatest nights of my life.

this must be it. welcome to the new year.

2009-01-13T22:08:00.001-08:00

every year, i have the same "resolutions". eat better, exercise. read the Bible, blah, blah, blah. it doesn't happen.

this year will be different. no more resolutions. just happiness.

part 1:
i signed up for 2 classes at West Valley.
U.S. History and Counseling 12.
i've never been excited for school.
and i am now? no, i am. i swear. just nervous.

part 2:
i no longer attend Hillside.
and i am trying out a new high school group (to be a volunteer).

part 3:
i have amazing friends who keep me sane, happy and confident.
i don't know where i wold be without their constant support and love.
i can't really go on without crying.

and on my to-do list:
abide by Psalm 37:4 'Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.'
save money (pay off debts & move out)
travel
say yes (this one is from Yes Man)

i think that's all. at least for now.

another 2008 recap

2009-01-03T19:09:00.000-08:00

1) Best moments of 2008:
cat n fiddle. los angeles. birthday. tahoe. hume. contentment. kisses. best friends. concerts. new friends. old friends. oregon.

2) What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
went to Utah.

3) Did you keep the new year resolution that you made last year?
i dont make resolutions for this exact reason

4) Did anyone close to you give birth?
not close to me.

5) Did anyone close to you die?
nope.

6) What countries did you visit?
none

7) What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
happiness, love, contentment

8) What dates from 2008 with be etched upon your memory?
nicole's birthday, dear and the headlights concerts, new years in tahoe

9) What was your biggest achievement of the year?
getting a full time job

10) What was your biggest failure?
falling HARD

11) Did you suffer illness or injury?
nothing more than a broken heart

12) What was the best thing you bought?
computer

13) Whose behavior merited celebration?
lindsay, nicole, brooke, betsy

14) Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
this one boy.

15) Where did most of your money go?
gas, clothes, travels

16) What did you get really, really excited about?
thinking it was something more than it was. making new friends. all the concerts and new music.

17) What songs will always remind you of 2008?
i know - dear and the headlights
gives you hell - the all-american rejects
so what - pink
shut up and let me go, that's not my name - the ting tings
be ok - ingrid michaelson
you are the best thing - ray lamontagne
better in time - leona lewis

18) Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder: about the same
b) thinner or fatter: the same
c) richer or poorer: richer

19) What do you wish you'd done more of?
saving money. trusting God. not trusting boys.

20) What do you wish you'd done less of?
mope, complain

21) How did you spend Christmas?
with my family

22) Did you fall in love in 2008?
nope

23) How many one night stands?
zero

24) What was your favorite tv program?
gossip girl. the office. the hills. 30 rock. grey's anatomy. kath & kim. LOST. privileged.

25) What was the best book you read?
the shack. the last 2 harry potters.

26) What was your greatest musical discovery?
the ting tings. band of horses. barcelona. she & him.

27) What did you want and get?
a full time job.

28) What did you want and not get?
love.

29) What was your favorite film of the year?
the dark knight

30) What did you do on your birthday?
drinks with friends and a party a few days later

31) What would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
contentment

32) How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
not caring anymore.

33) What kept you sane?
friends. music.

34) What celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
always: gavin degraw, christian bale, paul rudd and john krasinski
new: chace crawford, david cook and dustin kensrue

35) What political issue stirred you the most?
i didn't care enough

36)Who do you miss?
nicole, adam, extended family

37) Who was the best new person you met?
a lot of re-kindled friendships and my new years friends

38) Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008?
take your time with everything. and you have to work for what you want.

39) Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"conjuring up my melancholy, oh this can't go on
certain my sadness was necessary, oh i've been so wrong
and all that distance that i dispatch will never help me feel less alone
stope all that dark and senseless brooding, sing a different song
don't get dramatic this ain't the movies, turn the camera off
yeah all that acting seemed fun at first but i've been playing this roll for too long"

40) Was 2008 a good year for you?
not really.

41) What was your least favorite moment of the year?
getting my heart broken, moving back into my parents house

42) Where were you when 2008 began?
in los angeles watching Batman Begins

43) Favorite album of 2008?
drunk like bible times - dear and the headlights
when the world comes down - the all-american rejects
19 - adele
be ok - ingrid michaelson
cease to begin - band of horses
absolutes - barcelona

44) Least favorite album of 2008?
i hate to admit it, but gavin's album was an epic disappointment.

45) Favorite color of 2008?
black and royal blue

46) Favorite holiday of 2008?
christmas

47) Favorite drink of 2008?
peppermint mocha

48) Where will you be when 2008 ends?
i was in tahoe :)

49) Who will you be with when 2008 ends?
brooke, arianne, christy, matt, craig, jared, dana, kip

50) Do you have a new years resolution for 2009?
just to be freaking happy and become and adult

51) Did you break up with anyone in 2008?
kinda

52) Did you make any new friends in 2008?
yes

53) What was your favorite month of 2008?
probably july

54) How many different states did you travel to in 2008?
oregon and utah

55) Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2008?
no

56) Did you do a lot of drugs in 2008?
no

57) Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year?
unfortunately

58) How much money did you spend in 2008?
too much

59) What are you plans for 2009?
school, work, new job?, travel, new friends, have fun, concerts

60) Any advice or last words?
just be happy

2008 in review

2008-12-28T16:07:00.000-08:00

as 2009 approaches, i thought i would recap some of what went down in my life in the year of 2008. so here we go...

January:
-2008 started off with me sitting in my Los Angeles apartment, watching Batman Begins and texting my boy who was in NY. At this point, there were 4 of us living there, Michelle and Jordyn in one room and nicole and i in the other. We also had an invisible roommate who was paying rent while living in South Dakota or something like that (she ended up moving in about a week after i moved out). My roommate nicole and i were going to have people over, but we had only a few friends and changed our minds last minute. i am not sure the exact reason, but i am guessing it had something to do with Brian, Nicole's creepy friend/stalker/worshipper. He was planning on coming and i think she freaked. so nicole and i were to spend it together. she fell asleep at 10.
-Ashley came down to visit me and we began discussing the idea of me moving back home because she wouldn't be able to afford moving to LA and my work (Virgin Megastore on Sunset) had closed down. So that following weekend, Ashley, Lindsay, Melissa and I road-tripped it up to san jose, mainly for my dad's 50th birthday party. I asked my parents if i could move home and of course the obliged and i got to tell some of my best friends that night that i would be returning. I felt peace. and they were all happy :)

February:
-I went to Utah to visit the boy. It was a lot of fun. it was also really hard. we both knew it wouldn't last but it definitely was fun while it lasted. While i was gone, Nicole called me everyday. Not because she missed me, although i am sure that was part of it, but because they were having some issues with Jordyn. Long story short, Jordyn got pissed at michelle and nicole, drew creepy pictures of michelle in her journal, keyed Nicole's social security number into Michelle's car and denied the bullemia we all knew she had. So she moved out while i was gone.
-Nicole's 21st birthday was the 14th, and we were both so exhausted, we stayed in that night. So the next night, Lindsay joined Nicole and I for Nicole's 21st birthday celebration. Probably one of the funnest nights i have ever had. We went to our favorite Hollywood bar, Cat N Fiddle, and just had an absolute blast. Nicole then decided we should meet up with her co-worker in Westwood (about a 20 min drive, and yes, i was driving). So we met him at a hookah bar. Persian city. it was awkward. really, really, awkward. So we left soon after, and headed back to the apartment. Lindsay left and the next morning, Nicole and our roommate michelle and i went out to breakfast at The Griddle. So delicious. The i packed up the rest of my stuff, said goodbye to my remaining 2 roommates and headed to San Jose. I found out later they both cried after i left. that meant a lot to me.
-4 days after moving back, i went on an interview at the preschool my old boss/youth pastor's wife/friend was the director at and met the other director and started work the following day. When i moved to LA, it took me 2 months to get a job and within 5 days i moving to san jose, i had one. Kind of a sign i did the right thing.

March:
-I finally got a great picture with Gavin DeGraw. After seeing him and meeting him about 7 times and taking a picture with him almost every single time, i finally got one where i looked good. On the down side though, his show was cancelled because he was sick. But he hung around to personally apologize to his fans, the sweetest man ever, and take pictures. I talked to him. A lot. I was so cool and so calm even though i am madly in love with him. I invited him to get drinks with ashley and i but he never made it, like he said he probably wouldn't. but i had to ask! i don't know what came over me, but that was probably the best hour of my life. And oh yeah, he really liked my yellow jacket.

April:
-To start the month, Brooke and I saw one of our favorite bands, Steel Train, at one of my favorite venues, Slim’s. It was SO GOOD.
-The day before my birthday, Brooke and I went to San Jose State Event Center and saw Dear and the Headlights (our favorite band) open for Paramore who opened for Jimmy Eat World. Yeah, I guess you could say it was one of the best concerts I have ever been to.
-On my actual birthday, a bunch of friends helped me celebrate at Khartum’s in Campbell. It was really fun!
-That Friday, my brother decided to throw a party and invited myself and his friend Kevin to make it a combined party. He loves them parties to the theme was dress up as your favorite Jon, Kevin or Jessica. There was someone who received a Dear John Letter, Jessica Simpson, JonJacobJingleHeimerSchmit, I was John Krasinski as Jim Halpert as Dwight Shrute, there was a John (a toilet), John Lennon, Kevin Bacon, John Dunbar, Jessica Walter, and many, many more. It was way fun. So all in all, I had a pretty fun birthday.

May:
-I took a roadtrip down to Cal Poly and visited Arianne before she graduated. We went to her usual Thursday night place and went line dancing! It was pretty ridiculous because I had no idea what I was doing and she is like a pro. Then I finished the drive and headed to LA. At this point Nicole had moved out of an apartment with Michelle and Michelle’s sister because of a sketchy landlord and a lot of sneakiness going on behind her back. So she was living with a coworker in Silverlake, the place we wanted to move to before I moved home. We went to our bar again and met up with my friend Max and some other guy we won't speak of anymore. Max said we could stay at his mom's place so we drove up the hill, yes, THE HILL. Beverly Hills. Did i mention who max's mom is? Nora Ephron. It ended up not working out because they were having painters come over early the next morning so he drove us back to Nicole's place. Darn.
-Lindsay moved home. I was so thrilled for this.
-Robbie and Stacy had Thrice tickets but couldn't make it, so they sold them to brooke and I. I had tried to get tickets but they were already sold out so i was stoked. It was so good. Dustin Kensrue is my perfect man. If he wasn't already married, i would think he was my soulmate. No joke.

June:
-Shannon's family went camping in Tahoe and she invited me along for a weekend. It was way fun. I hadn't been in so long and after going ever summer since i was like 5, i was pretty excited to get to go back. We didn't do much, but we did enough to have a really good time.
-Saw Steel Train again at Slim's and also Augustana at Music in the Park. both great shows.

July:
-I went to Hume Lake as a counselor for the high school group at hillside and had a great time getting to know those girls. Hume is always amazing and it was definitely a different experience not really knowing the girls very well, but it was still fun.
-Saw John Mayer for the 2nd time at Shoreline with Greta, Vanessa and Breanne. I don't know how he does it, but he is still so good even though we were really far away.

August:
-August was definitely not my month. i don't really even know what to write here without bringing back some great memories that turned out not so good. Long story short, I met a boy, he led me on, broke my heart, and stopped talking to me. Normally, no big. But i thought this one was a keeper. and he led me on, so i thought he was in it too. Guess that'll teach me to fall fast again. Lesson learned God.
-the other horrible thing that happened to me was one of my best friends stopped talking to me out of the blue. Adam lives in WI and i have only actually hung out with him once. but we had known each other for almost 3 years and talked on the phone at least once a month. We were really close. I finally had the money to fly out to see him so we decided to meet in Chicago and hang out there for the weekend. I bought the tickets (twice because i had to change the first ones) and we were in the final stages of planning the details when he stopped returning my phone calls, stopped responding to my messages and comments and just completely forced me out of my life. To this day, i still don't know why. I don't know if i did something, if he just had a change of heart, if his new girlfriend didn't want him talking to him or what. I wrote him a message asking for an explanation and never heard back. So after 3 years of friendship, that was that. It still hurts to think about and it still confuses me beyond belief.

September:
-I can't remember much about September. Went to Oregon with the family and that's about all.

October:
-After not seeing Holly (who moved back to Roseville in April) since she moved away, i finally was able to make a trip to see her. Betsy and i headed up and Holly had no idea i was coming along. It was really fun getting to surprise her. We went out to dinner with her and Betsy's sister Emily and their roommate Sarah and just got to talk and hang out and watch movies. My favorite part of the trip was going to sleep. Holly shared her bed with me and we just talked and talked and talked all about life and boys and God and family and everything we were going through and it was so amazing! i will cherish that time for a long time.
-Brooke, Betsy and I took Lindsay out to dinner for her birthday. We got all dressed up and went to PFChang's downtown and had an absolute blast.
-Brooke, Betsy, her boyfriend Kenny, Ian, Michelle and I went to Slim's and saw The Reign of Kindo, Barcelona and Sherwood. My brother had been on tour with Sherwood for a few weeks so i got to see him and those are three of my favorite bands and some of my favorite people so all in all, it was a good time.
-I finally had a really fun halloween. I found my perfect costume the day before, Batman, and wore it to work and then went to a party and Brent and Sarah's and hung out with some good friends.

November:
_November started out with some great concerts. First, She & Him (Zooey Deschanel's band) at Bimbo's 365 which was a venue I had never been to and it was a awesome venue and an amazing show. I love that band.
-Then, we were very blessed that 2 of our favorite bands were going on tour together. Dear and the Headlights and Steel Train. And they played at another favorite venue of mine, Bottom of the Hill. So lindsay, brooke and i headed up and had an absolutely phenomenal time. Another one of the best shows i have ever been to.
-I once again went down to visit Nicole. By now she was living back at home in Visalia so i drove down there thursday night and we left for L.A. friday morning, checked into our hotel, went shopping, went to our usual Cat N Fiddle with her friend Denise, got ridiculously wasted, went back to Visalia saturday afternoon and hung out all day while we recovered adn then i came home sunday morning and an hour later went to Laurel Warwick's bridal shower.
-For thanksgiving, my family went up to Willits and had dinner with my mom's sister and family. It was really fun. and the next day we just hung out and walked around the little town and then came home that night.

December:
-My mom and i went to Oregon to visit her family. My cousin who is in the air force has been stationed in Japan for 4 years or so, came back to the states with her family so they got to all come up too. I met my cousin Michael for the first time and got to play with two 3 year olds too. I know, i am a dork. And I was happy because there was lots of snow!!!
-Lindsay and i hosted our first annual Christmas Potluck Brunch/Ornament Exchange and it was a definite success! There was 9 of us total, everyone brought a breakfast dish and an ornament. We ate and then played a fun game to exchange ornaments and hung out for a little bit. It was a good time.
-Christmas Eve, I worked til 3 while the rest of my family went to celebrate it with my dad's side of the family. I met up with brooke and lindsay after work and we gave lindsay he present. My family got home around 7 and we had Panda Express and watched A Christmas Story.
-Christmas day, we all got up early and went to a 6am church service. It was early, but a great way to start off Christmas day. Singing old hymns and hearing the prophecies of Jesus' birth all the way to His birth was really nice. We came home, had cinnamon rolls, a Havens family tradition for Christmas morning. We then opened stockings and presents. I got The Office Season 4, Transformers, brown boots, black jacket, a calendar, an ornament, Julie Andrews book Home, and i can't remember what else, but that's the jist of it. Then we went and saw Yes Man which i REALLY liked. that night i watched Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.
-Two of my new favorite things i got but not for christmas is a Canon Rebel camera my aunt gave me and brooke sold me her old (about a year old) record player.

As i look back on 2008, there were many many ups and downs. I definitely think 2009 will be a better year. I just have a really good attitude going into it. We shall see!

ps - if you read through this, you must really like me.

my favorite christmas song

2008-12-25T17:53:00.000-08:00

O holy night! The stars are brightly shining,
It is the night of our dear Saviour's birth.
Long lay the world in sin and error pining,
'Til He appear'd and the soul felt its worth.

A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices,
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.

Fall on your knees! O, hear the angels' voices!
O night divine, O night when Christ was born;
O night divine, O night, O night Divine.

Truly He taught us to love one another;
His law is love and His gospel is peace.
Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother;
And in His name all oppression shall cease.

Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we,
Let all within us praise His holy name.

Christ is the Lord! O praise His Name forever,
His power and glory evermore proclaim.
His power and glory evermore proclaim.

and my favorite version of this song:

1st annual Christmas Party

2008-12-23T22:23:00.000-08:00

about me

2008-12-02T21:09:00.000-08:00

my old roommate nicole just changed her about me section on myspace. that was my inspiration.

I have a fantasy of becoming a rock star. I would call it a secret fantasy but now everyone knows so its not so secret anymore.

I'm not afraid to admit that I would rather be a stay at home mom than anything else. But I am smart enough to know that it most likely won't happen.

I have worked with kids since I was in the 7th grade but don't know how much longer I can last.

I am a really good listener and unlike most people, I don't really like to talk about myself. and when I do, I feel selfish (and yes, thinking of all these things has been very difficult).

My friends are my world. I can't imagine where I would be or who I would be without them in my life.

I've loved Christian Bale since I was probably 8 years old. It's not just some "Batman" thing.

And with that, I loved Batman before Christian Bale. But I can't deny he helped.

I am not "religious" and I don't like calling myself a "Christian". I have a relationship with He who loves me more than anyone and although I can't understand it and don't always believe it, He's always there for me and never leaves my side.

As cliche as this sounds, I love my grandma's cooking.

I'd like to live in New York, Chicago and Colorado at some point in my life. I think I should visit those places first and then see where it goes from there.

I regret nothing. Everything happens for a reason. As hard as it is for me to see it sometimes, I really, truly believe it.

I hate when someone adds me on myspace or facebook and then doesn't even talk to me. Even if I "make the first move".

I've decided to go back to school and get my degree in Counseling with a minor in Photography. I am so excited and at the same time scared as hell that I won't be good at it.

Music is a huge part of my life. It can change my mood, heal my wounds, open up old ones, spark friendships and even make me love someone more than ever imagined.

ok. that'll do for now.

just 2

2008-12-01T21:36:00.001-08:00

why can't i just be over it?

i don't get closure so i don't move on.

i like to just blame it all on you.

it's easier that way.

sometimes i think that people are too involved in themselves and their own issues to see mine. and if they do see them, and ask about them, i begin to feel selfish talking so much about me. so i ask about them. and it's a vicious cycle.

if you don't, don't

2008-11-23T20:12:00.000-08:00

What’s wrong baby,
Don’t they treat you like they should?
Did you take ’em for it?
Every penny that you could?

We once walked out on the beach
And once I almost touched your hand
Oh how I dreamed to finally say such things
Then only to pretend

Don’t you know what I’m thinkin’
Drivin' 405 past midnight
You know I miss you
Don’t you know that I miss you
Ninth and Ash on a Tuesday night

I would write to you from museum mile
A toast to you, your whisper, your smile
Up the stairs at Weatherford
A ghost each place I hide

If you don’t don't know, why would you say so?
Would you mean this please if it happens?
If you don’t know, why would you say so?
Won’t you get your story straight
If you don’t know, honey, would you just say so?
Cause I need this now
More than I ever did
If you don’t well, honey, then you don’t

I left you waiting,
At the least could we be friends?
Should have never started
Ain’t that the way it always ends?

On my life I'll try today
There’s so muchI've felt I should say, but
Even if your heart would listen
I Doubt I could explain

If you don't don't know, why'd you say so?
Would you mean this, please if it happens?
If you don’t know, Why would you say so?
Won’t you get your story straight
If you don’t know, honey, would you just say so?
Cause I need this now more than I ever did
If you don’t well, honey
Then you don’t

So here we are now
A sip of wine a sip of water
Someday maybe, maybe
Someday we’ll be smarter

And I’m sorry that I’m such a mess
I drank all my money could get and
Took everything You let me have and Then I
never loved you back

If you don’t don't know
Why would you say so?
Would you mean the
Please if it happens?
If you don’t know, why would you say so?
Won’t you get your story straight?
If you don’t know, honey, would you just say so?
Cause I need this now. yeah need this, need this
If you don’t well, honey, then you don’t
And if you don’t well, honey then you don’t
If you don’t know, honey
Honey, then you don’t

tuesday came and i feigned happy

2008-11-11T20:38:00.000-08:00

i wish i could write everything thats been going on.

i wish i could put into words what i have been going through lately.

but really, i don't even know myself.

i am just so thankful that God has blessed me with my friends and my small group.

without them, i don't know where or who i'd be.

they listen.

they tell it like it is.

they make me see things i didn't see.

they make me better.

feel better.

be a better person.

i'm learning to go to God with everything.

prayers and praises.

the good, the bad and the ugly.

its all His.

and i just want to let go of it and give it all to Him.

seems so simple right?

then why is it the hardest thing i've ever tried to do?

and just can't seem to do it?

we’ve no more space

for all your tired and dirty past

and i believe it all to be true

beyond this time, you’ll pull through

you’ll pull through

you're a tool

2008-10-15T21:24:00.000-07:00

So so what

I'm still a rock star

I got my rock moves

And I don't need you

And guess what

I'm havin' more fun

And now that we're done

I'm gonna show you

Tonight

I'm alright

I'm just fine

And you're a tool, so

So what

I am a rock star

I got my rock moves

And I don't want you tonight

i know

2008-10-04T09:35:00.000-07:00

Gone for a while and then blink and revile

My old habits get confused

They’ve been placating my mood

And selling me cheap solitude

But I’ve run out of reasons to pay

‘Cause I know you care

And I’ve grown so tired of not being there

And I know you care

So I’m cutting off familiar happenings

Conjuring up my melancholy, no that can’t go on

Certain my sadness was necessary, Oh I’ve been so wrong

And all that distance that I dispatch won’t ever help me feel less alone

Stop all that dark and senseless brooding sing a different song

Don’t get dramatic, this ain’t the movies, turn the camera off

Yeah all that acting seemed fun at first

But I’ve been playing this role for too long

school and stuff

2008-09-27T17:40:00.000-07:00

every couple of months or so, i get the urge to go back to school. and almost every time, it is for something different. psychology, photography, child development, teaching, etc. this time around? counseling.

i think in the spring i would probably take a few child development classes just because i get a raise at my work for every 6 units or so i have under my belt. but i also wanna just get my GE done and out of the way. then i am considering transferring to state and getting my degree in counseling. i love giving advice, and i'd like to think i am pretty good at it. and i love helping people and cheering them up. i love the high school age kids so i would want to either work at a high school or some sort of center that helps high school age kids. i just think so many people can't see the good in everything so i wanna help them find it! or something like that.

i don't know for sure though. those have been my feelings for the last couple of weeks, but we will see how long it lasts. it seems to be changing a lot and i've never really been a school person so i think thats a big reason why i never end up going. i would definitely like to at least finish my GE for sure. i might take some classes in the winter section since i don't get a big break from work anyways so it won't really be much of a vacation no matter what. i need to meet with an advisor first and foremost to see what classes i have and which ones i need to finish. i took some random ones in the past and of the ones i did take, i don't even know how many i passed! like i said before, i've never really been a school person.

i think it was a good idea for me to stop going when i did. and it may have taken 4 years to finally decide to go back, but i finally feel like this is the path God wants me on. i was just wasting my parents money before so i think this time around will be better. especially since i have a purpose for school. i have come to realize that there is no rush. my grandpa dropped out and finally got his degree when he was 50. so who cares at what age you actually graduate.

in addition...

2008-09-24T21:40:00.000-07:00

i saw the sign and it opened up my eyes

2008-09-24T20:36:00.001-07:00

life has been a little out of whack recently.

boys are bad. very, very bad. ok. not really. i think "i have the hardest time resisting you" is the best quote to describe my feelings right now. but i need to resist. resist, resist, resist. i need to move on. find someone else. but its hard when you like someone so much. but how can i like him so much if i've known him like almost 2 months? i don't know. it doesn't make sense really. but the way i feel is a new feeling. and as much as i want it to end, i want it to never go away. i've never felt so conflicted in my life.

my dilemna is my own. i am not trusting in the One person who can get me through this. of course my friends are there and are amazing and are doing a wonderful job helping me through this but i know i'm leaving one big one out. i don't know why i can't seem to just drop everything, every feeling, every thought, every emotion and give it up to God. He's the only one who can take this feelings away and make me new again. so why don't i do that? anyone know? seriously, it sucks.

lindsay said it best last night when she said "if you feel this way about him now, and you barely know each other, and you aren't even dating him, think about how you'll feel if you do date him! and if you don't date him and it is someone else, think about the way you'll feel about that guy because it will be even better than this". i used to say that to people all the time. seriously, that was one of my favorite pieces of advice to give. why couldn't i think of that for myself? whatever. the thought is here now.

so whomever i end up with, i know you are going to be amazing. whomever you may be, i know you'll show yourself to me when you are ready.

now comes the hard part. waiting.

pray for me!

aside from that...i feel like my friends are fading.

well, at least one of my best friends is gone.

i don't even know what happened. and he won't even talk to me to tell me what i did or what happened. it really sucks. and it's also pretty immature. i mean, we're all adults. you can't take a few minutes out of your day to tell me what happened and how we can or can't fix it. its just weird.

i've known him for almost three years. we were really close and always there for each other and then bam! i spend $500 to visit and i don't even go because he ignores me and doesn't make plans to meet me. i'm not about to go to a foreign city where the only people i know won't join me.

so thanks for ruining the end of my summer.

don’t hold back, don't hesitate, don't disappear

2008-09-13T00:15:00.000-07:00

Slide your feet, create the shock

Touch another, watch it pop

Live a little, live a lot

And show me everything you've got

Oh, cause it takes some time

And just a little bit of good

Reality won't hurt for longer than it should

Just talkin' 'bout pain that is there

Face the fact, don't act like you don't care

Cause you gotta stop and show it

Just so I know you know it

Maybe just a little bit

Oh, come on admit it right now

Cause I know that it won't be over til it's gone,

So let it be gone

And show me everything you've got

I know you're scared

But let your walls destruct

You gotta take that step

And your heart just let it pour out

Now I know it's hard to be somethin'

That you don't think you are

But it's hard for me to even try to understand

Why you are beating your own heart

Cause you gotta try,

Just try to be honest and I will be honest

All these things that I say

And now listen clear

Whether brave or you're modest I'm here

Don't hold back, don't hesitate, don't disappear

And show me everything you've got

I know you're scared

But let your walls destruct

You gotta take that step

And your heart just let it pour out

And show me everything you've got

I know you're scared

But it's time for you to start

You gotta take that step

And your heart just let it make sound

So hey, just let it pour out

And don't let your past begin to let you down

Just sing it out

Just let it make sound

And as it will hurt, it will be healed and found

Cause it's normal that

Emotional pasts can spawn emotionalness dads,

Mothers, and nation's flags

So just show your face

No don't be afraid, no don't be afraid to show your face

After all these things I've learned

About things I do and don't deserve

Can easily just shape my life

Shape the way I start to die

No, cause it's up to me if I'll dwell much longer than I should

And I'll hold my tears for years thinkin' it's doing me good

So let's start right now

And just make a vow

You’ll let your heart just sing it out

And show me everything you've got

I know you're scared

But let your walls destruct

You gotta take that step

And your heart just let it pour out

And show me everything you've got

I know you're scared

But it's time for you to start

You gotta take that step

And your heart just let it make sound

update

2008-09-09T20:27:00.000-07:00

-you always know what to say to make me feel better and always know how to make me laugh. even though there was a time we were not friends, we still came out the other end and are even closer than ever. And sometimes you need to stop worrying so much. I don't understand what i do to make you doubt our friendship. i love you and thank God for your friendship.

-we had our rough patches at the beginning of our friendship, and i don't even think you knew it. but now, none of that matters. we have both grown so much in the last year, and only closer. i love you so much and love hanging out with you, no matter what we do.

-you are the one person i can tell anything to and know i won't be judged and i don't worry about what will happen. i know that we will be best friends forever. We have gone through so much together and i kind of freak out sometimes because we think/say the same thing and we are practically the same person. i don't know what i would do without you in my life. your constant presence and advice gets me through each and every day and i don't know where and who i would be without you. i love you...dot dot dot!

-we were so close. i loved you and couldn't picture my life without you. but we grew apart and that was ok. i now hear that you have totally changed and are someone i really don't think you are. you constantly change yourself for the people around you and you need to get away from that all and find out who you truly are in yourself. and no one else. just be yourself and know that God loves you for who you are.

-you have grown so much in the past year and i am so proud of you and so blessed to be your friend. you are truly a woman of God and i can only hope to one day be that close to Him. I am so happy for you and your man and you deserve it so much and i hope you realize it.

-i seriously can't believe we are friends sometimes. haha. when i really look at who you are and who i am, we are SO DIFFERENT. yet, we went through a lot together and we were understand each other in ways that others don't see. i love that we are friends and continue to be friends even though we are miles away. ps - don't give up on your one true love (ok, i think this one will know who she is).

-i used to think i would love you forever. it used to be LOVE but then it became love as in friends. but i don't even know anymore. i haven't spoken to you in months. you ignore my phone calls, messages, etc and i just don't get it. i think its because of your new girlfriend and thats what makes it hurt the worse.

-i like being your friend. we always have a good time together but you need to realize he's not the one. end it and get on with your life.

-we got really close and then i backed off a little because you were becoming too needy. When you finally realized it, i guess it was too late. I don't understand why we aren't even friends anymore. you are going back and forth between us and i think its stupid. i don't even really care anymore.

-we don't talk much and we don't have a "friendship" but i love you and i wish we did have a friendship. i see it in others and i get jealous. maybe one day. but who knows.

-when i first met you, i just got this feeling that you could be the one. i still get that feeling when i think about you. if only you could feel it too.

ever since the world began

2008-08-24T19:52:00.000-07:00

I know something about love
You've gotta want it bad
If that guy's got into your blood
Go out and get him
If you want him to be
The very part of you
Makes you want to breathe
Here's the thing to do

Tell him that you're not never gonna leave him
Tell him that you're always gonna love him
Tell him, tell him, tell him, tell him right now

I know something about love, you gotta show it and
Make him see the moon up above
Reach out and get him
If you want him
Makes your heart sing out
If you want him to only think of you

Tell him that you're not never gonna leave him
Tell him that you're always gonna love him
Tell him, tell him, tell him, tell him right now

Ever since the world began, it's been that way for man
And women were created to make love their destiny
Then why should true love be so complicated? Oh yeah!

I know something about love
You gotta take his hand
Show him what the world is made of
One kiss will prove it
If you want him to be always by your side
Take his hand tonight, swallow your foolish pride

Tell him that you're not never gonna leave him
Tell him that you're always gonna love him
Tell him, tell him, tell him, tell him right now

thank you for the music

2008-08-09T11:21:00.000-07:00

I'm nothing special, in fact I'm a bit of a bore
If I tell a joke, you've probably heard it before
But I have a talent, a wonderful thing
cause everyone listens when I start to sing
I'm so grateful and proud
All I want is to sing it out loud

So I say
Thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing
Thanks for all the joy they're bringing
Who can live without it, I ask in all honesty
What would life be?
Without a song or a dance what are we?
So I say thank you for the music
For giving it to me

Mother says I was a dancer before I could walk
She says I began to sing long before I could talk
And I've often wondered, how did it all start?
Who found out that nothing can capture a heart
Like a melody can?
Well, whoever it was, I'm a fan

So I say
Thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing
Thanks for all the joy they're bringing
Who can live without it, I ask in all honesty
What would life be?
Without a song or a dance what are we?
So I say thank you for the music
For giving it to me

I've been so lucky, I am the girl with golden hair
I wanna sing it out to everybody
What a joy, what a life, what a chance!

So I say
Thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing
Thanks for all the joy they're bringing
Who can live without it, I ask in all honesty
What would life be?
Without a song or a dance what are we?
So I say thank you for the music
For giving it to me

here i go again

2008-07-22T21:23:00.000-07:00

Look at me now, will I ever learn?

I don't know how but I suddenly lose control

There's a fire within my soul

Just one look and I can hear a bell ring

One more look and I forget everything

Mamma mia, here I go again

My my, how can I resist ya?

Mamma mia, does it show again?

My my, just how much I've missed ya

emo day

2008-07-21T16:18:00.000-07:00

i woke up this morning to get ready for work when my mom told my our dog, cosmo, isn't doing well. my dad took him out to go to the bathroom this morning and he kind of hobbled down the stairs slowly. then when it was time to go back up, he wouldn't do it. then he wasn't even able to walk. it was weird because he was perfectly fine the night before. i called in to work and said i wasn't coming in (last time we had to put a dog to sleep, i didn't get to say goodbye and i wasn't about to let that happen again). so we took him to the vet around 10am. 2 hours later they call and say they are going to give him x-rays around 1:30 and they'd call us as soon as he was done and they had the results, somewhere before 3. 3 rolled around and nothing so my mom and i decided to just go in. he was still in the x-ray room when we got there. because he is such a big dog, they had to give him 2 doses of sedation meds. finally the doctor came out and said he has 2 inflamed vertabrae along his spine and he'll need a shot of cortizone and then we'll have to give him some meds too.

bottom line: he'll be walking in probably a few days but no stairs.
problem: he has to go downstairs to go to the bathroom.
solution: we are going to buy some fake grass or something and put it on our upstairs patio and train him to go on that.

thanks for those who were praying.
it was a long day for us, filled with many, many tears.
including those of joy.

ps - the reason we were so sad was because he is 9 years old and if whatever was wrong with him required surgery, we wouldn't do it. it would be too expensive and as morbid as this is, who knows how much longer he will actually be around so really, there's no point.

so yay! i still have a dog!
and he's a beauty.

countdown

2008-07-08T20:16:00.000-07:00

Ten Anonymous Things You Want To Say To Ten Different People:

1. you are one of the few people i know i can tell absolutely anything too and you will never judge me or never get offended. you always know what to say to make me feel better and always know how to make me laugh. even though there was a time we were not friends, we still came out the other end and are even closer than ever. i love you and thank God for your friendship.

2. we had our rough patches at the beginning of our friendship, and i don't even think you knew it. but now, none of that matters. we have both grown so much in the last year, and only closer. i love you so much and love hanging out with you, no matter what we do.

3. you are one of the other people i can tell anything to and know i won't be judged and i don't worry about what will happen. but you need to work on not being a flake.

4. we were so close. i loved you and couldn't picture my life without you. but we grew apart and that was ok. i now hear that you have totally changed and are someone i really don't think you are. you constantly change yourself for the people around you and you need to get away from that all and find out who you truly are in yourself. and no one else.

5. i seriously can't believe we are friends sometimes. haha. when i really look at who you are and who i am, we are SO DIFFERENT. yet, we went through a lot together and we were understand each other in ways that others don't see. i love that we are friends and continue to be friends even though we are miles away. ps - don't give up on your one true love (ok, i think this one will know who she is)

6. i love you. always have, always will.

7. i like being your friend. we always have a good time together but you need to realize he's not the one. end it and get on with your life.

8. we're new at this. slow down a little.

9. we don't talk much and we don't have a "friendship" but i love you and i wish we did have a friendship. i see it in others and i get jealous. maybe one day. but who knows.

10. we hung out for about 20 minutes but i really could see me spending the rest of my life with you. crazy. but its true.

Nine Things About Yourself:

1. I don't judge.

2. I am in love with God.

3. Music is everything to me. i can't explain it.

4. i like to take pictures and some people say i am really good at it. but i don't know if it's ever something i can do as a job.

5. I am a very open-minded person.

6. my family and friends mean everything to me.

7. I can be extremely ridiculous and random. but its something that you have to love about me cuz it's not going away.

8. I trust easily and have never been proved wrong.

9. I love to sing and dance.

Eight Ways To Win My Heart:

1. sing to me, no matter what you sound like.
2. make me smile, laugh.
3. wink at me.
4. surprises!
5. love God.
6. be content with who are and the way you are made.
7. love me for me. don't make me change.
8. hold hands.

Seven Things That Cross Your Mind A lot:

1. him
2. him
3. who will he be?
4. can i be happy?
5. what will i be in 5 years? one year?
6. Some sort of song or lyric.
7. family and friends

Six Things You Wish You Never Did:

1. i
2. regret
3. nothing
4. everything happens
5. for a
6. reason

Five Turn Offs:

1. Cockiness.
2. no sense of humor
3. stupidity
4. close-minded.
5. No manners, not a gentlemen.

Four Turn Ons:

1. love for God
2. Sense of humor.
3. scruff
4. little belly

Three Smiley's That Describe Your Life:

1. :)

2. ;)

3. :/

Two Things You Want To Do Before You Die:

1. Travel.

2. have a family

One Confession:

1. i am finally starting to like me for me. no, love me for me. now maybe someone else can.

if you know who sings this, you can't make fun of me because you know too

2008-07-04T08:38:00.000-07:00

I’m tugging at my hair
I’m pulling at my clothes
I’m trying to keep my cool, I know it shows
I’m staring at my feet
My checks are turning red
I’m searching for the words inside my head

I’m feeling nervous
Trying to be so perfect
Cause I know you’re worth it
You’re worth it

If I could say what I wanna say
I’d say I want to blow you away
Be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight?
If I could say what I wanna see
I wanna see you go down on one knee
Marry me today
Yes, I’m wishing my life away
With these things I’ll never say

It doesn’t do me any good
It’s just a waste of time
What use is it to you what’s on my mind?
If it ain’t coming out
We’re not going anywhere
So why can’t I just tell you that I care

(Cause) I’m feeling nervous
Trying to be so perfect
Cause I know you’re worth it
You’re worth it

If I could say what I want to say
I’d say I want to blow you away
Be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight?
If I could say what I want to see
I want to see you go down
On one knee
Marry me today
Yes, I’m wishing my life away
With these things I’ll never say

What’s wrong with my tongue
These words keep slipping away
I stutter, I stumble
Like I’ve got nothing to say

Yes, I'm feeling nervous
Trying to be so perfect
Cause I know you're worth it
You're worth it

Yes, I’m wishing my life away
With these things I’ll never say

If I could say what I want to say
I’d say I want to blow you away
Be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight?
If I could say what I want to see
I want to see you go down
On one knee
Marry me today
Yes, I’m wishing my life away
With these things I’ll never say

These things I'll never say

every woman should...

2008-07-01T19:33:00.000-07:00

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own,

even if she never wants to or needs to

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

something perfect to wear if the employer,

or date of her dreams

wants to see her in an hour...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .

a youth she's content to leave behind....

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..

a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age....

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..

one friend who always makes her laugh..

and one who lets her cry...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..

eight matching plates,

wine glasses with stems,

and a recipe for a meal,

that will make her guests feel honored...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .

a feeling of control over her destiny..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

how to fall in love without losing herself..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

how to quit a job,

break up with a lover,

and confront a friend

without ruining the friendship...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

when to try harder...

and WHEN TO WALK AWAY...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

that she can't change the length of her calves,

the width of her hips,

or the nature of her parents..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

that her childhood may not have been perfect...

but it's over...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

what she would

and wouldn't do for love

or more...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW....

how to live alone...

even if she doesn't like it...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW.. .

whom she can trust,

whom she can't,

and why she shouldn't take it personally...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

where to go...

be it to her best friend's kitchen table..

or a charming Inn in the woods....

when her soul needs soothing...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW..

What she can and can't accomp lish in a day...

a month...

and a year...

The Holiday

2008-06-01T23:05:00.000-07:00

"I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! Yes, you are looking at one such individual."

Love You Much Better

2008-05-30T17:46:00.000-07:00

Why do you sing to everybody but me?
Why do I let it go on?
You know that you've got such a music box song in my head all day long.

You fell for a girl with wild eyes,
Dressed in satin and lace.
Oh but she's just an empty diamond mine with moan across her face.

I can love you much better
If you can't see it you're blind
I can love you much better
Oh you know someday I'm gonna make you mine.

You are the daydream in my eyes,
There whenever I wake up
But the colors never crystallize and I never get enough
Why do you kiss everybody but me?
I just sit back and watch
Oh but one day soon, I'm gonna grab you by the collar and kiss you all I want!

I can love you much better
If you can't see it you're blind
I can love you much better
Oh you know someday, I'm gonna make you mine.

kids these days

2008-05-25T08:00:00.000-07:00

i babysat last night for a 6 year old boy and i was so shocked and appalled by some of the things he would say.

1. he just learned how to read and was reading one of those Dick and Jane learn to read books and the first time he had to read the name Dick, he started laughing and said "haha i can't believe that's in here...teeheehee". the fact that he knew what that was at that age and made a comment about it blew me away. i am pretty sure i didn't think about those things that early on. ok, maybe i was sheltered a little bit, but come on?! 6 years old and laughing at the word Dick being in a book?!?

2. we went to mcdonald's (his choice, not mine) and they have these lamps that are shaped, probably closest to a tear drop than anything, and he looked up at them and then looked down at his...well, you know...and said "haha that lamp looks like something i know. jessica, do you know what i am talking about?" (and then he proceeded to point in the direction of what he was talking about). i just said "you need to not talk about that", and he just laughed.

maybe that's normal and always has been the average age of when boys start talking like that, but i just feel like that is way way too young. i hope my kids aren't like that. but i also hope they aren't sheltered, nerdy, church kids. is there a balance? i feel like i was raised perfectly in that sense, but i don't really remember myself in elementary school. i could have been that nerdy church kid that knew nothing about life. but maybe that's a good thing? i don't know. i guess i will worry about it when i actually have kids. i think i think about those things more from working at a preschool and seeing a lot of what i DON'T want my kids to turn out like.

life in LA

2008-05-14T18:45:00.000-07:00

life in LA was awesome. and sometimes i forget how many people i saw. and most of them i helped out at my work. yeah, it was pretty amazing. i wouldn't take it back for anything. i do miss it but i love my life here now. anyways, here's a photo blog of whom i saw while living in Los Angeles.

JASON BATEMAN

PAUL RUDD

QUENTIN TARANTINO

JASON LEE

ETHAN EMBRY

DONALD FAISON

MINDY KALING

ASHLEE SIMPSON AND PETE WENTZ

PATRICK STUMPH

KELLY ROWAN

KEN MARINO

"i told you, i need an attitude adjustment"

2008-05-09T18:32:00.000-07:00

i've come to realize that if i start my day out thinking it is going to be a bad day, its going to be a bad day.
if i start my day out thinking its going to be a good day, its most likely going to be a good day.
of course there is always the inevitable of bad things happening. but i'm beginning to see about 90% of it is attitude. i need to change my attitude at work sometimes and stop getting so stressed out and frustrated with the kids so easily. thats just not me. i seem to take a forceful tone with the kids more than what is necessary. so kourtni and i decided to help keep each other in check because we both seem to be doing it and its not who we are. and its not fair to the kids too.

i had a really good discussion today with my co-worker jaime. we were just talking about our personalities and how be both can be really shy at times but other times not at all. she said she over-compensates sometimes and it comes off a little cocky, which i've seen with her. but i think its cool that she recognizes it. anyways, it was just really cool to get to chat with my co-worker and really get to know her better.

i'm just trying to give up doing it on my own and let God take the wheel. but that's a whole different story.

no subject

2008-05-04T20:37:00.000-07:00

"That's why they call them crushes. If they were easy, they'd call them something else" -Sixteen Candles

i believe

2008-05-03T14:30:00.000-07:00

Seen your face in every child that smiles,
but I can't help but rejoice.
And I've heard the song called thunder,
but I knew it was your voice.
Touched the holes in your calloused hands,
stuck my fingers in your side.
oh I was six-feet-deep in doubt but
now I'm sure that you're alive

And it's safe to say we'll never know everything,
still blessings we receive.
And it’s safe to say I really don't know a thing,
still I choose to believe.

Smelt the scent of angel sweet floating in the summer air.
I have breathed in deep the incense,
while the saints send up their prayers.
I have tasted now I see
oh I see that you are good.
And I have ate your perfect body,
and I have drank your blessed blood

And it's safe to say we'll never know everything,
still blessings we receive.
And it’s safe to say I really don't know a thing,
still I choose to believe.

And all the answers that I find,
only take me so far down the line.
The tracks always give out
yeah it's a leap from the lions mouth.

And it's safe to say we'll never know everything,
still blessings we receive.
And it’s safe to say I really don't know a thing,
still I choose to believe.

getting to know me through photos

2008-03-05T21:40:00.001-08:00

this was a survey i took on myspace that was so much fun to do. so i thought i would post it here too.

i had to answer each question by going to photobucket.com and typing it into the search bar. then take any picture from the first page of results and post. and not write any explanations. so here's what came out.

1. What color is your hair?

2. Single or taken?

3. favorite band/musician?

4. Favorite movie?

5. Favorite TV show?

6. Live in an apartment or house?

7. What celebrity do you dislike?

8. What musician would you date?

9. What is your favorite scent?

10.What is your least favorite scent?

11. Favorite food?

12. Favorite fruit?

13. Favorite flower?

14. Favorite shoes?

15. Favorite sport?

16. One word to describe your ex.

17. Favorite Alcoholic Beverage.

18. Favorite Sports Team.

19.Where do your parents live?

20. Favorite Quote...

21. What does your last text message say?

22.Favorite time of year.

23:what underwear are you wearing?

24. How did you get one of your scars?

25. Favorite thing to do.

26.your name:

r.i.p. heath ledger

2008-03-03T21:59:00.000-08:00

I hate the way you talk to me, and the way you cut your hair.
I hate the way you drive my car. I hate it when you stare.
I hate your big dumb combat boots, and the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick; it even makes me rhyme.
I hate the way you're always right. I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry.
I hate it when you're not around, and the fact that you didn't call.
But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you.
Not even close
not even a little bit
not even at all.

this isnt just about heath.

title

2008-03-02T16:10:00.000-08:00

someone once asked me why i quote lyrics so much.
my response?

i am not a very good writer (my brother got all those genes). but like anyone else, i have alot of emotions. and i don't always know how to express them. thats where the lyrics come in. sometimes i hear/read some lyrics that just click in my head. it expresses exactly how i am feeling at that moment in time and they wrote it way better than i would ever be able to. i know, sometimes fancy lyrics and rhymes arent necessary but i can get so tongue tied i cant even find the normal words to say. i then get frustrated that people dont understand me. then a lyric comes along and says it for me.
maybe thats a cop-out. but whatever you wanna call it, its me. music is something i can never get enough of. this is one of the reasons i am so passionate about it. it just makes so much sense to me and maybe im a little jealous that i cant write it that way.

i feel really accomplished recently.
before i moved back to san jo, i said i wanted to get a job by the end of february. i ended up starting my new job 4 days after moving back. yeah. 4.
and i designed my new myspace background yesterday. okay, i kind of copied it from a shirt i saw at urban, but i made this one myself. i like it. i wanna make it into a shirt since urban is WAY over priced.

speaking of making shirts, im also feeling really artistic. i know, i have no talent in that area. but i have some ideas up in this noggin of mine and just need someone to help me put them on paper.

im helping start a magazine. it was supposed to be started awhile ago, but daniel hasnt been on top of things recently. but now that im back in san jo, he's really excited to have me help him more than i thought i was going to be "used for". im pretty much going to be his assistant. im really excited for this. i never imagined i would be involved in something this cool. now to help him get started....

i took an online strengths test and really enjoyed it. while taking the test, i was a little skeptical thinking there is no way this test can be legit. but turns out, it really was. and sharing the results with friends and family was cool because they too saw those strengths in me. here are my results.

Developer
You see the potential in others. Very often, in fact, potential is all you see. In your view no individual is fully formed. On the contrary, each individual is a work in progress, alive with possibilities. And you are drawn toward people for this very reason. When you interact with others, your goal is to help them experience success. You look for ways to challenge them. You devise interesting experiences that can stretch them and help them grow. And all the while you are on the lookout for the signs of growth—a new behavior learned or modified, a slight improvement in a skill, a glimpse of excellence or of “flow” where previously there were only halting steps. For you these small increments—invisible to some—are clear signs of potential being realized. These signs of growth in others are your fuel. They bring you strength and satisfaction. Over time many will seek you out for help and encouragement because on some level they know that your helpfulness is both genuine and fulfilling to you.

Adaptability
You live in the moment. You don’t see the future as a fixed destination. Instead, you see it as a place that you create out of the choices that you make right now. And so you discover your future one choice at a time. This doesn’t mean that you don’t have plans. You probably do. But this theme of Adaptability does enable you to respond willingly to the demands of the moment even if they pull you away from your plans. Unlike some, you don’t resent sudden requests or unforeseen detours. You expect them. They are inevitable. Indeed, on some level you actually look forward to them. You are, at heart, a very flexible person who can stay productive when the demands of work are pulling you in many different directions at once.

Empathy
You can sense the emotions of those around you. You can feel what they are feeling as though their feelings are your own. Intuitively, you are able to see the world through their eyes and share their perspective. You do not necessarily agree with each person’s perspective. You do not necessarily feel pity for each person’s predicament—this would be sympathy, not Empathy. You do not necessarily condone the choices each person makes, but you do understand. This instinctive ability to understand is powerful. You hear the unvoiced questions. You anticipate the need. Where others grapple for words, you seem to find the right words and the right tone. You help people find the right phrases to express their feelings—to themselves as well as to others. You help them give voice to their emotional life. For all these reasons other people are drawn to you.

Includer
“Stretch the circle wider.” This is the philosophy around which you orient your life. You want to include people and make them feel part of the group. In direct contrast to those who are drawn only to exclusive groups, you actively avoid those groups that exclude others. You want to expand the group so that as many people as possible can benefit from its support. You hate the sight of someone on the outside looking in. You want to draw them in so that they can feel the warmth of the group. You are an instinctively accepting person. Regardless of race or sex or nationality or personality or faith, you cast few judgments. Judgments can hurt a person’s feelings. Why do that if you don’t have to? Your accepting nature does not necessarily rest on a belief that each of us is different and that one should respect these differences. Rather, it rests on your conviction that fundamentally we are all the same. We are all equally important. Thus, no one should be ignored. Each of us should be included. It is the least we all deserve.

Communication
You like to explain, to describe, to host, to speak in public, and to write. This is your Communication theme at work. Ideas are a dry beginning. Events are static. You feel a need to bring them to life, to energize them, to make them exciting and vivid. And so you turn events into stories and practice telling them. You take the dry idea and enliven it with images and examples and metaphors. You believe that most people have a very short attention span. They are bombarded by information, but very little of it survives. You want your information—whether an idea, an event, a product’s features and benefits, a discovery, or a lesson—to survive. You want to divert their attention toward you and then capture it, lock it in. This is what drives your hunt for the perfect phrase. This is what draws you toward dramatic words and powerful word combinations. This is why people like to listen to you. Your word pictures pique their interest, sharpen their world, and inspire them to act.

taking that test made me realize my potential and i really wanna stop being so lazy and get stuff done. its weird what one silly little test can do! now lets see if i follow through....

the way i am

2008-02-26T20:20:00.000-08:00

If you were falling, then I would catch you.
You need a light, I'd find a match.

Cuz I love the way you say good morning.
And you take me the way I am.

If you are chilly, here take my sweater.
Your head is aching, I'll make it better.

Cuz I love the way you call me baby.
And you take me the way I am.

I'd buy you Rogaine when you start losing all your hair.
Sew on patches to all you tear.

Cuz I love you more than I could ever promise.
And you take me the way I am.
You take me the way I am.
You take me the way I am.

nothing lasts forever

2008-02-25T21:32:00.000-08:00

It is so easy to see
Dysfunction between you and me
We must free up these tired souls
Before the sadness kills us both

I tried and tried to let you know
I like you but I'm letting go
It may not last but I don't know
Just don't know

If you don't know
Then you can't care
And you show up
But you're not there
But I'm waiting
And you want to
Still afraid that I will desert you

Everyday
With every worthless word we get more far away
The distance between us makes it so hard to stay
But nothing lasts forever, but be honest babe
It hurts but it may be the only way

A bed that's warm with memories
Can heal us temporarily
The misbehaving only makes
The ditch between us so damn deep

Built a wall around my heart
I’ll never let it fall apart
But strangely I wish secretly
It would fall down while I'm asleep

If you don't know
Then you can't care
And you show up
But you're not there
But I'm waiting
And you want to
Still afraid that I will desert you, babe

Everyday
With every worthless word we get more far away
The distance between us makes it so hard to stay
But nothing lasts forever, but be honest babe
It hurts but it may be the only way

Tough we have not hit the ground
It doesn't mean we're not still falling,
Oh I want so bad to pick you up
But you're still too reluctant to accept my help
What a shame, I hope you find somewhere to place the blame
But until then the fact remains

blah, blah, blah

2008-02-01T00:29:00.000-08:00

hmmm. where to start.

big news first, i guess.
i'm moving back to san jose.
but no hard feelings.
i'm actually really excited.
i do love LA. and i do love my roommates. and i do love living on my own.
but i cant find a job. and i have no money. i miss my friends and family alot.
i need to save up money. and pay off debts.
so, february 15th, i'm moving home.
i am excited.
you should be too.

im ready to be an adult. a real one.
i thought moving out would make me more responsible and yes, it has.
but i need to learn to manage my money. and then, i'll be more of an adult.

i'm GOING to get a job by the end of February.

i'm pretty stoked for march.
march 7-9 = capitola beach house with my mom, aunts and cousins.
march 10 = GAVIN DEGRAW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
march 11-16 = housesitting (a home with a spa!)

back to gavin degraw.
i have been waiting like 2 years to see this man again.
i saw him 7 times and i cant believe he's finally back.
i've fallen in love all over again.
*sigh*

2008-01-01T20:13:00.000-08:00

1. Best moments of 2007?
new years. a week in Los Angeles. "work". reno. my small group. norway. popscene. santa cruz. photo class with steph. birthday weekend. oregon. san jose skate. meeting betsy and holly and re-meeting brooke. mandy moore. disney parties. sleepovers at lindsays. hume lake. moving to los angeles. virgin megastore. roommates. celebrities. shows. visiting san jose.

2. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?
moved out of my parents house. started paying rent.

3. Did you keep the new years resolution you made last year?
I don’t make resolutions, I just tell myself to do one thing every year. Still hasn’t happened.

4. Did anyone close to you give birth?
nope

5. Did anyone close to you die?
no, thank God.

6. What countries did you visit?
none

7. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
money.

8. What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory?
April 6-9, September 21st

9. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
moving to los angeles

10. What was your biggest failure?
not saving up enough money

11. Did you suffer illness or injury?
nope

12. What was the best thing you bought?
an apartment

13. Whose behavior merited celebration?
my friends are amazing

14. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed??
boys, atleast at the beginning of the year

15. Where did most of your money go??
gas, food, rent, bills

16. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
moving out

17. What songs will always remind you of 2007??
My Blue Heaven – Taking Back Sunday
When Did your heart go missing? - rooney
Hello, I'm in Delaware - Dallas Green
Almost Lover - A Fine Frenzy
I Just Do - Dear and the Headlights
1234 - Feist
Breaking Up - Rilo Kiley
Misery Business - Paramore
Gardenia - Mandy Moore
Love Song - Sara Barielles
Taken Aback - The Rocket Summer
Best in Me - Sherwood

18. Compared to this time last year, are you
a) happier or sadder? happier.
b) thinner or fatter? thinner.
c) richer or poorer? poorer.

19. What do you wish you'd done more of?
saved money.

20. What do you wish you'd done less of?
complaining.

21. How did you spend Christmas?
working. dinner and movie with roommates

22. Did you fall in love in 2007?
nope

23. How many one-night stands?
zero

24. What was your favorite TV program??
grey's anatomy, gossip girl, the office, LOST, ugly betty

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
i dont hate people

25. What was the best book you read?
blue like jazz

26. What was your greatest musical discovery? ?
bob dylan, steel train, dallas green, a fine frenzy, the reign of kindo

27. What did you want and get??
new life. a boy =D

28. What did you want and not get??
puppy.

29. What was your favorite film of this year? ?
hairspray, juno, lars and the real girl

30. What did you do on your birthday??
friday - the lashes in sf, saturday - hgb/blg/ths in sf, sunday - the actual in sf, monday (my actual bday) - rooney and everybody else in la

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
i hate to say it, but $$$$

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
comfortable

33. What kept you sane?
friends

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
christian bale & john krasinski & paul rudd

35. What political issue stirred you the most??
dont really follow politics

36. Who did you miss??
adam, chris, band losers and now i miss my family and friends in san jo

37. Who was the best new person you met??
my roommates, chris, holly, betsy, brooke

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007:
i learned to be responsible.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"an untold 22 year story"
"oh, it feels good to be free'

40. Any final comments?
i just decided to make life my own.

41. Was 2007 a good year for you?
yes

42. What was your least favorite moment of the year?
bad "breakups", leqving my friends and family

43. Where were you when 2007 began?
at a party in willow glen

ALSO
Favorite Album of 2007: Dear and the Headlights
Least Favorite Album of 2007: did nickelback come out with a cd in 07? cuz im sure it sucked
Favorite Show of 2007: the office
Favorite Movie of 2007: juno
Favorite Color of 2007: awkward yellow
Favorite Holiday of 2007: valentines day was pretty rad
Favorite Drink of 2007: diet coke with lime
Favorite Person of 2007: there's alot
Least Favorite Person of 2007: haha i think my roommates and i all agree on this one

44. Where will you be when 2007 ends?
i was at home

45. Who will you be with when 2007 ends?
myself, my phone, and my bale

46. Do you have a new years resolution for 2008?
meh

47. Did you fall in love in 2007?
nope

48. Did you breakup with anyone in 2007?
basically.

49. Did you make any new friends in 2007?
a buttload

50. Who are your favorite new friends?
didnt i answer this already?

51. What was your favorite month of 2007?
i dont know. this whole year is worth mentioning

52. Did you travel outside of the US in 2007?
nah

53. How many different states did you travel to in 2007?
2

54. Did you miss anybody in the past year?
there is never a moment when i dont miss someone

55. Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2007?
how much is too much

56. Did you do a lot of drugs in 2007?
none to be exact

57. Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year?
not really

58. How much money did you spend in 2007?
too much

59. What are your plans for 2008?
visit chris, move out of this apt, get a new job, save money, go to new york

60. Any advice or last words?
live for yourself. do things you wanna do. your life is what you make it.

SOME PICTURES FROM 2007

JANUARY

FEBRUARY

MARCH

APRIL

JUNE

JULY

AUGUST

SEPTEMBER

OCTOBER

NOVEMBER

DECEMBER

i'm dreaming of a white Christmas

2007-12-18T12:07:00.000-08:00

i didnt realize how long it had been since i lsat blogged. is blogged a word? whatever.

im not even sure what to write about. but alot has happened since i last wrote. im working at virgin and LOVING it. alot alot. like more than any job. "more than nannying aka getting paid to watch tv?" yup. "more than getting paid to work with 12 little 3, 4, and 5 year olds?" yup. those were jobs, but they didnt feel like jobs. this is actually a job that feels like a job and i actually like it. everyone i work with is awesome. the customers are really great (for the most part). and another plus is that atleast one 'celebrity' comes in every single time i work. yes. every single time. sometimes it will be towards the end of a shift and i will recall that no one has come in, and 5 minutes before closing, dane cook, or someone else but yes, he did come in, will come in and help me stay true to my statement. i think dande cook was the biggest one. also kelly from the office, ken marino (no one knows him but he is in one of my favorite movies wet hot american summer), ethan embry and others that no one will know who i am talking about. either way, i love it. i love this job and i dont want to quit. ever.

my roommates and i had a little christmas photoshoot. we've been wanting a tree for awhile then finally realized we're too poor. except michelle. she's making bank. so she decided to buy one. FINE BY ME.

NICOLE AND I

ME AND JORDYN

ROOMIES

NICOLE AND I

and then there's this.

since you can't see my face right now, ill just tell you.
there's a GINORMOUS smile across it.

day off today.
work tomorrow.
day off/cleaning thursday.
work friday morning.
family here friday night!
disneyland saturday!

im excited for the next 2 weeks.

home sweet home?

2007-11-25T17:17:00.000-08:00

this week was pretty rad.

i had orientation on sunday night at Virgin Megastore. weird people i trained with. but the trainer was really cool. so i was excited. the schedule wasnt ready yet so i said peace out LA and left monday morning to go back to san jose.

i arrived around 3, showered, and hung out for a bit. then my mom cooked me some her delicious homemade chili. yum. brooke came over around 7 and then betsy came over around 8. we hung out and chatted for a bit and then brooke and i saw Dan In Real Life around 10. it was really good. and the soundtrack is amazing as well.

tuesday i got up around 8 and stacy made me waffles for breakfast. they were perfect. then i went to get my car looked at to see how much it would cost to get the dent fixed...oh yeah, i got in a fender bender last week. oops! anyways, it was too much so i'll have to wait until im rich to get it fixed. after that, i met up with ashley and matty and we went to Sweet Peas then to Best Buy so ash could buy Hairspray, then we went to ash's house to watch Hairspray. I then met up with shannon and we went to Icing on the Cake to get some treats. After that, my mom and i went to Holly and Betsy's and they made us Lasagna. then i went to their small group to saw hi to the Garcia's. after that i met up with Greta and we went out to coffee and got to catch up.

Wednesday morning i went in early to my dads work to help with some filing and Christmas wrapping to make some extra $$$. then i had a dentist appt and then got my haircut after that. feels so good...my hair, that is. then i went over to the guys apartment cuz they made their own thanksgiving dinner and hung out with them and lindsay for a little while. then we headed to ashley's to hang out and dance. after awhile, lindsay, matty and i went to john caine's house to say hi to the boys and that was fun.

thursday was thanksgiving and my parents and i went to my dads brothers house in cupertino. it was weird not having my brother there. i thought it was going to be horrible since its the 2 of us and one other cousin. but my cousin had 2 friends from college so it was good having more young people there. then we got home and watched Premonition. it was good, until the end where the didnt really end it. i dont really know what happened.

friday morning my mom and i went shopping...yes, i know, we went shopping on Black Friday. but it really wasnt that bad. she bought me some jeans and a few other things. ashley came over around 2 and we went to get coffee downtown willow glen. brooke met up with us a little later and we walked around wg taking pictures with brookes new camera. then ash left and brooke and i went to her house to get some music for me. then we drove to los gatos to take pictures by the giant gap ad of john krasinski. yum!! we then headed to downtown san jo, took some more pics and then went to La Victoria and got some nachos...YES! betsy and holly met us there and then we went back to my parents apt.

then it was party time. it was just a lot of hanging out and smore making. much fun. here's the guest list.

brooke
betsy
holly
the allens
stacy
robbie
lindsay
matty
ashley
drew
jeff
shannon
craig
my parents of course
john renfro
tony and some girl
alex woodrow
and a bunch of farm drive kids.

it was really fun getting to hang out with pretty much everyone i wanted to see all week long. i left saturday morning, got home around 2:30 and then went to work at virgin. my first day, it was pretty cool. i was the only female working and there's pretty much only about 3 other girls who work there and one is my roommate. it was 7 hours but it went by pretty quickly and its pretty fun too. everyone is really nice and even the customers were pretty cool too.

i havent written a blog entry like this in a while. one where its more like a "dear diary" scenario. but i felt like it. my roommate and i are sitting in the cyber cafe at our apt building because the internet we've been stealing in our room isnt working today. and the internet we pay for only works on little T's computer so we aint paying that extra $6. so yeah. we're both blogging. good times.

"Pictures only prove what you can't convince"....

i'm doin' everything for you

2007-11-12T13:31:00.000-08:00

...And I just smile and say whooooaaaa
Cause you just got to know
That every time you stay
It never goes away
Your reach is to the stars
And shines like the clouds and lights up this whole world

Bless your heart you’ve made me happy again
It’s been so long and I’m sick of pretending
You’ve enlighted the brain in my head
So stay
I’m going to do everything
I’m gonna make it right
I’m gonna make it good
I’m gonna do it alright
I’m gonna write it down
I’m gonna make a sound

Cause I’m doing everything for you
Because I love to be near you
Something just takes me away to place where I’m happy
I’m doing everything for you
Yeah you know that I adore you
And I just can’t take it

kiss me beneath the milky twilight

2007-11-08T18:54:00.000-08:00

life couldnt get better.
ok. it could.
my friends and family could be here.
but other than that, its all good.

ive never felt so good about who i am. who know a few kind words could really boost someones confidence. but it has. oh boy has it!
not only that, i finally got a job and they seemed really excited to hire me. they said they really liked me. i had beeen so frustrated (something i rarely am) and was beginning to get really down on myself. i was really doubting my choices and constantly wondering why people werent hiring me and it was definitely doing a number on my self esteem. and ok yeah, only one place hired me (technically 2 but i dont wanna get into that) but one is definitely better than none!

man. im just feeling good.
now all i need is some friends and a great church.
ill keep you updated on those.

update

2007-10-29T18:15:00.000-07:00

its been a really long time since i've posted but i dont really know what to say! all i have been doing since i've been living here is job hunting. and thats pretty much. of course ive been hanging out with friends and my roommates but thats about all. its been fun, but im getting frustrated with not having any money. ugh. so tomorrow i plan on going out to a ton of restaraunts and trying to get a job as a waitress or hostess. hopefully something will pull through. and in the meantime, i will continue my search for a nanny position and hope something comes along.

i thought it would be alot easier to find a nanny job so i just kept putting off getting something else. im just not used to this. i am usually handed jobs. im not being conceited or anything, ive just been really lucky with finding work and they always seem to just fall in my lap or come along easily. so this is new to me. and i really dont like it. and i really dont like rejection. i have interviewed with a ton of people, and have only recieved 2 "second" interviews and none of them have worked out. i either hear nothing, or they tell me they went with someone who had more experience. but i cant get more experience if no one will hire me!! ugh. its so frustrating.

but i love living in LA. i also hate it. haha. i wish i had more friends but i know i will at some point. i totally get why people hate LA. its ridiculous here. but i still love it too. it doesnt make sense to most people, but it does to me. anywho, i love living so close to lindsay and getting to hang out with her alot. i love being close to disneyland (even though i havent even been there yet). i love...so many things i cant even explain. i dont even know. i just love it!

ive also been thinking about going back to school. i know, weird huh? but ive been thinking of either becoming a teacher or a high school guidance counselor. random right. well, the teacher thing makes sense if you know me. i'd teach 3rd grade. or maybe 2nd. they were just such fun grades and ages and i would really love it. i was watching a show on dvd and one of the characters went to his guidance counselor and it kind of turned on a lightbulb for me. i used to want to be a therapist, but knew i could never do all those years in college (atleast not now). but then i saw this and thought i could prob do that. people tell me im a really good listener and i give great advice so i think i could do it. who knows. maybe when im older i'll be more motivated. we shall see!

i always seem to start these posts not knowing what im going to say and then end up rambling on and on. so yeah. thats all for now.

Celebrity Sightings

2007-10-02T13:11:00.000-07:00

it's kind of funny, but after being here a little over a week, seeing celebrities is not a very big deal anymore. Okay, so i have not seen anyone huge yet, but still, it's just kind of like, whatever. Theyre just people like you and I. I know there are a few people i will probably freak out about if i ever see them, but so far, its no big. Anyways, I thought i would just post some. Most people probably dont even know these people, but i am an entertainment junkie, so i know alot. haha.

last saturday night, i hung out with my cousins and a bunch of their friends who all grew up in Portland together. And one of them was Michael Cassidy. He played a character named Zach on The OC. He was also in a movie called Zoom with Tim Allen (but i never saw it).

i went to a church on sunday, and as i was leaving, i just glanced over and saw this guy that looked super familiar. I could not for the life of me figure out what i had seen him in. Finally, about 15 hours later, it hit me. He was on the movie Bring It On as well as the movie Miracle (about the american hockey team).

(he's the one on the left in the yellow)

monday night i went to Korea town with a friend and had these amazing tea drinks. We were the only white people in the place until a white couple walked in and i immeadiately recognized the guy as "Chili" from the popular tv show, The O.C. (yeah, thats my 2nd OC sighting). He was also on a movie called Raise Your Voice.

so that's all....for now. i'll keep adding onto it when i see more.

Mary Poppins

2007-10-02T12:56:00.000-07:00

this is one of my favorite movies. okay, i know what you are thinking..."jessica is a nanny, mary poppins is a nanny", ok so its true. but thats not the only reason i love this movie. its just amazing and i think you all know that. anyways, because i have not really been doing much lately (besides looking for a job, of course), i have been watching alot of movies. Today, its Mary Poppins. And i forgot how funny this one scene is. It's where Uncle Albert is laughing so much he floats on the ceiling and bert, jane and michael all join him and they tell jokes and honestly, some of these jokes are HILARIOUS.

a new beginning

2007-09-25T16:27:00.001-07:00

well i have been living in Los Angeles, CA for about 5 days now...and i couldnt be happier. I will admit, it was hard at first, but time heals all wounds and boy is that correct! i got to hang out with my cousins whom i havent seen in YEARS and it was so much fun. I hung out with my roommate one night, and hung out with some good friends who live in the area. its been really fun getting to hang out with people i love who i normally dont get to hang out with but now that we live closer, i will. of course i miss all my friends in san jose, but this change has been long overdue and its just been really good for me. i feel like i can totally start over and be whomever i want to be. i am not going to change for anyone, so dont worry about that. and i feel as though i am already really happy with who i am, but there are some things i would like to change and now i feel as though i can. i have grown acustom to a "i dont care what others think" complex and i really enjoy that. if people dont like me, thats their loss. and if someone wants to make fun of me for the way i am, let them. they obviously dont deserve to be my friend. i know what true friends are all about and i believe i can tell which ones are which.

i am blessed with awesome people in my life. even though many people are sad that i moved, they all know its for the best and that this is something i had to do. i know they are truly happy for me and i know i have their prayers and thats all that truly matters to me. so many people have told me how proud they are of me and that really means the world to me. it has been such a blessing to have so many awesome people in my life and i really couldnt be happier.

as of now, our lease is for 6 months and i kind of already have someone to move out with when this lease is up and i really hope it works out. i told people that in 6 months is when i will decide to stay or go back to san jose, but im not sure thats true anymore. my friend who lives here (he moved from NY) said it took him 2 years to realize he wanted to stay in LA. he even moved back to NY for about a month and thats when he realized he loved living in LA. the same could be true for me, but i dont know. we'll just have to wait and see. its only been 5 days but so far so good.

i have an interview at a nanny agency tomorrow morning and i am really excited and really praying that they can give me a job asap so i'll have an income quickly. but we'll see! it's all in God's hands and i know whatever happens, happens and its all part of His plan.

also i just found out there is a church that meets sunday nights right across the street from me so that would be super nice if its cool. i looked outside when i was here this sunday night and it seemed like there was alot of younger people so hopefully it'll work out. otherwise, i know of a few other churches i can look into.

well i guess that's all for now! i'm heading off to target with my roommates to buy some decorations for our apt so im excited to hang out with them

love
jess

Los Angeles, CA

2007-09-12T15:42:00.000-07:00

well it's finally happening...i'm moving to Los Angeles!! i am very excited. i am not going to school, i am mot moving for friends (although, i am excited to be closer to some people), i am not going to be an actress...I am going because I want to. I have always loved LA and always wanted to live there, so i am doing it. who knows how long it will last, but i need to try it. and if i dont try it now, i dont know if i ever will. i will miss many many people in san jose, but i will keep in close contact. no worries.

anyways, moving day is september 21st and i couldnt be more excited. i am sharing the apartment with 4 other girls, yes 4. and they are all great girls and i cant wait to get to know them even more. it's 2 bedroom, 1 bath, 1038 sqft.

here's a link to the apartment complex...
http://www.avaloncommunities.com/avaloncore/nfloor.asp?comm=297

and here are some pictures i took when i saw the place the other day.

view of the building from across the street

ours is on the 4th floor, right there in the middle

when you open the front door, this is what you see

take a few steps and turn around, here's the kitchen

living room/kitchen

when you walk in the front door, turn left, and there's the bathroom

pivot right, there's the tub and the hallway to my room

on the left side at the end of the hallway is my walk-in closet

my room

the balcony

standing on the balcony, look right and you see

look left and see

look straight and see (old theater and burger king)

stephanie, michelle, and britt's room (that's michelle in the picture)

crushes

2007-08-08T12:04:00.001-07:00

anyone else see a theme?

let it die

2007-08-07T21:05:00.000-07:00

recently i have been coming to my blog thinking i need to write something. but everytime i do, nothing happens. i have lots to say. lots. but for some reason, i dont wanna write it. i think its because some of the things i want to say, i have admitted them to myself and to others, but if i write it, its more official....no. i dont think thats it. its hard to explain. i just dont want to deal with "it" anymore. what i am "going through" has consumed my thougts for the past week and its tiring. i am worn out from worrying....not worrying, just thinking. and jumping to conclusions. and wondering. so i just dont want to deal with it anymore, but i know the only way it will end is for something to happen, and i cant do it. i cant give in to it. i dont want to give in to it. its not my responsibility. its yours. make it happen. do something. let me know.

"time passes by while i wait for your call. time passes by i hear nothing it all."

i am tired of waiting.
of wanting.
of wondering.
i am tired of falling asleep to thoughts of you.
of waking up and thinking of you.
i am tired of listening to depressing music to help me cope.
of watching sad movies to make me realize i dont have it that bad.
i am tired of crying.
not even crying.
"tears form behind my eyes, but i do not cry"
i am just tired.

i started this post off saying "i dont wanna write it". and look what happened. although, its a lot less than i wanted to write.

i hate being this depressing person. so no more. i am done. i am moving on. i am happy. my friends have made this summer so great. i am just going through a transitional phrase right now and its hard to deal, but i am learning how to deal...

"You have to learn to walk. You have to learn to talk. You have to wear that totally ridiculous hat your grandma bought you. You have no say in the matter. And when you get a little older, even though you get to choose your hats, you don't get to choose what they put in those meatballs in the cafeteria, or when to fall in love. Sometimes things happens and you just have to deal."

***if you are severely confused by this post, i am sorry. this was mainly just for me to write. if you wanna understand, get in touch with me and maybe i'll fill you in.

Top 5 Bands

2007-07-25T14:39:00.000-07:00

My brother did a post with his top 5 favorite bands and told his friends to do the same. So i thought i'd give it a try. At first, i could really only think of 2. but then i started going through my music and realized i am going to have a harder time than i thought. And in most of these posts, i write something about their live show. thats because i really base a band by their live performances. if you cant capture a crowds attention and keep it, you have no reason to be on stage.

QUEEN
Of course my first always has been and always will be Queen. These guys are all pure geniuses and i wish Freddie Mercury was still alive so i could see him live. Yeah, they still tour but if i wanted to see Chuck Norris (apparently his stage name is Paul Rodgers) live, i'd just watch an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. ok, i admit it, he's a good singer. i just dont think anyone can ever replace Freddie Mercury. whatever. my opinion.

DEAR AND THE HEADLIGHTS
this band is brilliant. Lindsay introduced them to me in decmeber and their cd came out in february and i have not stopped listening since. When i first heard them i thought the music was so unique and brilliant. then i read the lyrics and was blown away by how amazing they were. it made me wanna be a writer. I am seeing them for the first time August 30th and i am more excited for this concert than i have been for any concert ever. seriously. no joke.

BUTCH WALKER
this man is pure genius. he has produced cds for some top selling artists and also has a solo career. some of the stuff he's produced (lindsay lohan), i'm not too sure about. but this man is so passionate about his music. i have seen him live 3 times and everytime i swear to you i almost cry because i can just feel everything he says. he is also one of the nicest guys ever and i am seeing him again in september and i think i might pee my pants.

DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE/THE POSTAL SERVICE
i put these 2 together because Ben Gibbard does them both and that man is great. i dont even really know what to say here. words arent coming to me to describe these bands. i saw DCFC a few years back and i was blown away by them.

RUFUS WAINWRIGHT
I'm not sure if i can write anything here that will really do him justice. i just love him. he's a genius. and after finding this video, i am thinking i need to break my bank account and go see him in concert next saturday. anyone wanna join?

well there's 5. but if it was my top 15 favorite, this would be the other 10.

The Format
The Rocket Summer
Ray Lamontagne
Feist
Rachael Yamagata
Ryan Adams
Damien Rice
A Fine Frenzy
Mates of State
and of course, Michael Jackson

YOUR TURN!!

I'm trying not to think about you

2007-07-16T13:02:00.000-07:00

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine

I never wanna see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye my almost lover
Goodbye my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should have known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

one year now since i met you

2007-07-15T14:16:00.001-07:00

i had one of the best weekends of my life this time last year. We "met" the Wisconsin boys in Ivory through myspace in November of 2005 and we had all been talking through aim and myspace messages and became great friends. they finally went on a nation-wide tour and came to California last july for the first time and we spent 3 amazing days together, hanging out and having so much fun. we started in san francisco and ended up in anaheim and west hollywood and got to be their merch girls and just hang out and do whatever and it was so much fun.

it is weird thinking back on how we initially met and how so much has changed with all of us in the last (almost) 2 years and how i still talk to all of them (not really dan, except i do talk to his girlfriend Amy). It is just great to have people in my life that are just great guys and i know whenever they make it out here again (or maybe i'll someday make it out there), it will be just as fun, if not more, and, i hope, it will be just like we havent missed a beat.

with all the new people in my life, it is crazy to think of what it would have been like if they were in my life sooner and if we would have been friends. i talked to Holly yesterday and this is the "anniversary" of when her and her ex broke up, and then its this anniversary for me so i thought that was cool. Then we got to talking about "what if we knew eachother at that time?". She admitted that i probably would not have wanted to be her friend because she went a little crazy because of everything going on in her life. who really knows? all i know is that God's timing is perfect.

I have been a little more hesitant about moving to LA because of my new amazing friends. I will miss them so much. When i first decided to move with jessssssica, we both wanted to move to get out of the bay because we were both sick of it. then we parted ways, and that kind of made me want to move more. to start over and make new friends and i felt as though there was nothing keeping me in san jose. but then i really started growing closer to stacy ernst and all my small group and i knew it would be hard to leave them. then i met, well, i knew brooke, but i met holly and betsy and "re-started" my friendship with brooke, and i havent stopped hanging out with them for almost a month know and i couldnt ask for better friends. plus Greta is here (in the bay) permanently now that she is done with school and lindsay and i are hanging out alot too. they are the reasons i would want to stay in san jose and they made me really start doubting whether or not i would move. not by telling me i shouldnt because they all know and believe that this is what i need, but their friendships are all so great. i know we will still be friends when i am gone, but it will be so different.

i thought about it more, and i would like to say i prayed about it alot, but i cant lie, i havent prayed about it much at all. i do constantly say/think "whatever God's will is, is what i will do" and i guess thats sort of a prayer because i am admitting to myself and others that my life is in His hands, but i still need to pray more. anyways, i realized that i need to do this. i need to live away and on my own. it may not be permanent but it needs to be done. i have already made plans with roommates and it would be very unlike me to bail. i am so excited to live in Southern California and who knows what God will do in my life and where i will be this time next summer.

i often think back to last summer and even just a few months ago and i try and remember how i was thinking my life would be at this time now. back then, i was planning on being in LA already. i would be living with jericha and jesssssssssssica and i would have a job by now and hopefully some new friends. its crazy to see how much can change in just a short while. and i know it all happened for a reason. If i had already been in LA and i would not know Holly, Betsy and Brooke and its sad to think of how much i would have been missing out on great friendships.

who knows where i will be at this time next year. God does and thats all that matters. my dad taught in college group this morning and my mom "ditto'd" him saying if God opens a door for you, you walk through it. period. if along the way He shuts a door, then you stop. dont try and break it down. He'll open another door. and for this moving out situation, as of right now, the door is wide open and i need to take a huge leap through it and i am so ready and willing to and i cant wait to see what He does in my life when i am down there.

my summer so far

2007-07-10T10:57:00.000-07:00

LINDSAY AND I AT GOOSETOWN

GRETA AND I @ CLUB RODEO

KATIE AND I @ CLUB RODEO

HOLLY, BROOKE AND I PLAYING WITH PHOTOBOOTH

TOO COOL FOR SCHOOL

BETSY, ME AND HOLLY AT CHEESECAKE FACTORY WITH OUR DRINKS

BETSY AND I DRINKING LONGBOARDS AT THE BEACH

HOLLY AND I

BROOKE AND I WEAR FAKE GLASSES

BROOKE, ME, HOLLY AND BETSY IN SANTA CRUZ FOR JULY 4TH

SHANNON AND I ON OUR DAY OF FREEDOM

BROOKE, BETSY AND I IN SANTANA ROW

ME AND HOLLY

THE LADIES IN SANTANA ROW

BRENT AND SARAH GOT MARRIED!

SHANNON, BROOKE AND I HAD FUN AT THE WEDDING

i aint missing you at all

2007-07-09T01:19:00.000-07:00

as i said in the last post, music is all around me and i'll never stop listening. this next song isnt a new one, just newly rediscovered. i was listening to Boys Like Girls and was too lazy to go onto itunes and change it when it was over, so after a few songs played, The Calling came on. these guys are good. i liked them alot when their first cd came out, and listening to them now? i still like em. anywho, this song came on and i randomly stopped listening and heard the line "Could it be any harder to live my life without you?". So i looked up the lyrics and once again, they are my life.

You left me with goodbye and open arms
A cut so deep I don't deserve
Well, you were always invincible in my eyes
The only thing against us now is time

Could it be any harder to say goodbye and without you,
Could it be any harder to watch you go, to face what's true
If I only had one more day

Fade away

I lie down and blind myself with laughter
Well, a quick fix of hope is what I'm needing
And how I wish that I could turn back the Years (not hours)
But I know I just don't have the power

Could it be any harder to say goodbye and without you,
Could it be any harder to watch you go, to face what's true
If I only had one more day

Well, I'd jump at the chance,
We'd drink and we'd dance
And I'd listen close to your every word,
As if it's your last, well I know it's your last,
Cause today, oh, you're gone

Could it be any harder,
fade away

Could it be any harder to live my life without you
Could it be any harder, I'm all alone, I'm all alone

Like sand on my feet,
The smell of sweet perfume
You stick to me forever, baby
I wish you didn't go
I wish you didn't go, I wish you didn't go away
To touch you again,
With life in your hands,
It couldn't be any harder

i hate missing people. but i think/hope it will only make our friendship (or whatever =D) stronger when i see him/them again. it's alot like a relationship with God, i think. I feel as though He sometimes "leaves" us stranded to strengthen our relationship. faith is about believing without seeing so when He doesnt seem present, thats when we need to show Him we need Him and we cant do anything without Him. Yes i know that a relationship shouldnt define us and we should be fine on our own, but thats a human thing. we dont need other people to make us who we are. they may influence us and help us to grow, but we shouldnt define ourselves by who we are dating and/or hanging out with. But with God, He should be what defines us.

i am not even sure if that makes sense. well, it does to me in my head, and i dont think anyone else reads this. so i hope i can understand it some day when i decide to come back and read that. meh.

music is the only thing that makes sense anymore

2007-07-04T12:01:00.000-07:00

i have been listening to ALOT of new music recently, so that's what's with all the new lyrics posted as my blogs. they all really represent my emotions and what i am feeling/going through so it still works as a blog. here is one by a guy named Dallas Green. He's so good.

So there goes my life, passing by with every exit sign
And it's been so long, sometimes I wonder how I will stay strong
No sleep tonight, i'll keep on driving these dark highway lines
And as the moon fades, one more night gone
Only twenty more days

But I will see you again
I will see you again, a long time from now

And there goes my life, passing by with every departing flight
And its been so hard, so much time, so far apart
And she walks the night, how many hearts will die tonight
And will things have changed
I guess I'll find out in seventeen days

But I will see you again, I will see you again a long time from now.

My body aches, and it hurts to say
No one is moving and I wish that I weren't here tonight
But this is my life.

And I will see you again
I will see you again a long time from now

And I will see you again
I will see you again a long time from now.

...and this one's for you

2007-07-03T17:31:00.000-07:00

Please come to L.A. to live forever
A California life alone is just too hard to build
I live in a house that looks out over the ocean
And there's some stars that fell from the sky
Livin' up on the hill. Please come to L.A.

happiness

2007-07-03T09:39:00.000-07:00

these lovely ladies are making my summer great.

this video is awesome. if im ever feeling blue, im going to watch this video.

everyone's childhood

2007-06-21T13:27:00.000-07:00

another song, the same ol feeling

2007-06-20T16:22:00.000-07:00

This is the place where I sit,
This is the part where I love you too much.
Is this as hard as it gets?
'Cause I'm getting tired of pretending I'm tough

I'm here if you want me
I'm yours, you can hold me
I'm empty and achin'
and tumblin' and breakin'

'Cause you don't see me
And you don't need me
And you don't love me
The way I wish you would
The way I know you could

I dream a world where you understand
I dream a million sleepless nights
I dream of fire when you're touching my hand
But it twists into smoke when I turn on the lights

I'm speechless and faded
It's too complicated
Is this how the book ends?
Nothing but good friends?

'Cause you don't see me
And you don't need me
And you don't love me
The way I wish you would
The way I wish you would

This is the place in my heart
This is the place where I'm falling apart
Isn't this just where we met?
And is this the last chance that I'll ever get?

I wish I was lonely
Instead of just only-
Crystal and see-through and not enough to you

Cause you don't see me
And you don't need me
And you don't love me
The way I wish you would

Cause you don't see me
And you don't need me
And you don't love me
The way I wish you would
The way I know you could

so much randomness, it's ridiculous.

2007-06-04T16:37:00.000-07:00

-i downloaded about 60 songs from the 80's. so if anyone ever wants to have an 80's dance party, hire me to dj and you won't be dissapointed.

- also, i got some new cds. modest mouse, the fratellis, sherwood, the rocket summer ep, cary brothers, feist, rufus wainwright and maroon 5. none have dissapointed yet.

-max keeps randomly texting me. i love it. it was so crazy, last tuesday, i was thinking i havent talked to him in awhile, and seriously 30 seconds later he text me. CRAZY right? he then proceeded to invite me to go to reno with him. i said i would...but i have no money. he said we could play the slots. =D

-i havent been to a concert/show in almost 2 months and its been pretty depressing. but sherwood is coming soon so thank God for them. plus the format just released headlining dates and heck yes, theyre coming to The Great American Music Hall. shit. thats gonna be amazing.

-i need to find a job for the summer. i am thinking trader joes, plus some babysitting and maybe some catering jobs as a server. we shall see. this week is my last week of work with the Guardino's. friday is going to be sad. but she already told me she could use me a little over the summer to babysit. so hopefully ill see them again before i move.

-this summer, i am hoping to go to Tahoe, Oregon and Hume. those will all be so amazing. plus my future roomie Jericha might come visit here and that'll be awesome. she is so far the best roomie ever and we arent even living together yet! bah!

-whats everyone's infatuation with Africa? adam is there now and my brother might move there to teach? what the heck. although, that would give me an excuse to go and visit there.

-lindsay said she's probably going to NY for new years and invited me to come. so im hoping to do that. if not, i gotta get my ass out to Wisconsin to visit my favorites.

-speaking of Wisconsin, michael z sent me a message and called me babe. and that was about 2 weeks after nathaniel sent me a message calling me a babe. no one talks like that anymore. but i dont even care. i miss those boys. cant believe i'll be lving in the same city as some of them. yeesh. in the words of rufus wainwright, "oh what a world we live in".

-i have been hanging out with greta alot. i love that lady. and shannon too. and lindsay gets home today so i hope i get to see her soon. plus, all these people at church have been making me feel so amazing. especially jesse p. i love that kid. everytime i see him, he yells my name from 200 feet away then gives me multiple hugs and tells me "i like seeing you. you are nice to look at". ok jesse. im a little old for ya. haha. just joshin.

-i think thats all for now. this was long, but an update was needed, for myself. since im the only one who reads this. but i dont mind. im really only doing it so i can remember everything in my life. ok, not everything, but most things.

Love Song For A Savior

2007-05-21T15:42:00.000-07:00

In open fields of wild flowers
She breathes the air and flies away
She thanks her Jesus for the daisies and the roses
In no simple language
Someday she'll understand the meaning of it all

He's more than the laughter or the stars in the heavens
As close as a heartbeat or a song on her lips
Someday she'll trust Him and learn how to see Him
Someday He'll call her and she will come running
And fall in His arms, the tears will fall down and she'll pray

I want to fall in love with You
I want to fall in love with You
I want to fall in love with You
I want to fall in love with You

Sitting silent, wearing Sunday best
The sermon echoes through the walls
A great salvation through it calls to the people
Who stare into nowhere, and can't feel the chains on their souls

He's more than the laughter or the stars in the heavens
As close as a heartbeat or a song on our lips
Someday we'll trust Him and learn how to see Him
Someday He'll call us and we will come running
And fall in His arms and the tears will fall down and we'll pray

I want to fall in love with You
I want to fall in love with You
I want to fall in love with You
I want to fall in love with You

It seems too easy to call You Savior
Not close enough to call you God
So as I sit and think of words I can mention
To show my devotion

I want to fall in love with You
I want to fall in love with You
I want to fall in love with You
I want to fall in love with You

-Jars of Clay

my future

2007-05-16T17:40:00.000-07:00

first i want a turtle

then a puppy

and then i'll meet orlando bloom and this will happen

and then a we'll get a chimp

the end.

pam is my hero

2007-05-14T18:02:00.000-07:00

i wish everyone would be this honest.

friday night ramblings

2007-05-11T21:44:00.000-07:00

it's 9:45pm on a friday night
and i'm home.
i don't mind though.
i had 2 options tonight.
Everybody Else at San Jose Skate
or
Dear and the Headlights in SF.
both would have been amazing.
both would have been $12 + gas money
so i opt out of both.
i'm really hoping my whole "not regretting anything" mindset stays.

my brother graduates from college tomorrow,
so i spent most of the afternoon cleaning for his party.
i'm so proud of him.
it's funny to think that if i had stayed in college,
and passed all my classes,
i would be graduating this year too.
but the whole "passing my classes" thing just wasnt working out.

i'm just not the school type.
i talked about that with adam once.
i said that i think because my parents never forced me to do my homework,
i got into the habit of being lazy and not doing it
causing me to get bad grades
which made me seem stupid.
so i plan on enforcing homework and studying in my household.
i don't want them to feel the way i do about my smarts.

i was actually telling my mom today how i have no discipline.
i could have gotten straight A's if i wanted them,
and if i tried.
but i didnt care.
i also have that problem with reading.
i love to read,
i just don't have the discipline to sit down and do it.

i also think it could be ADD
i wonder if you can have a slight case of it.
because i think i do.
i sometimes just cant sit still.
or when im talking to someone,
i have to be doing something with my hands
or when i read outloud in a group,
and im sitting,
i always cross my legs and bounce the top one up and down.
ALWAYS.
are those just random/weird habits?
or a slight case of ADD?

maybe i'll get tested one day.
or maybe its my hypochondria,
cause im pretty sure i have that.

yeesh.
now im rambling.
so i'll stop.

come what may

2007-05-06T18:57:00.000-07:00

things are changing. but i am more than fine with it.

this week has been pretty crazy. i have been actually keeping busy which i am happy about.

Wednesday night, stacy called me and asked if i wanted to come to the welcome freshman kidnapping in the college group. i wanted to go, but i needed her to do some convincing. She said they would have banana splits and the chubby girl in me rushed to the church. And i have to say, i do not regret it one bit. I got to hang out with some really fun people and make alot of people laugh which made me feel really good. Plus, jesse and ian were there and i love those boys. Plus katie peters and some others that it was good to see. It was really fun. I love hanging out with stacy. She always makes me feel good.

Thursday shannon and i went and got dinner at arby's and talked forever and then went to target and shopped. i bought People magazine. then we went to the mall and got gelato and then went to South Hills' college group. it really sucked which didnt surprise me, but it was fun getting to hang out with shannon.

Friday my mom and i went shopping and i spent too much money so i gotta go back and return some stuff. Then we wathced LOST. Then i went to shannon's and hung out with her and craig for a little while. we rented Alpha Dog but about 45 mins through i went home to go to bed cuz i was exhausted.

Satudrday i woke up at 7 and picked up stephanie and drove an hour and a half to point lobos down by carmel. it was so beautiful there. we took tons and tons of pictures and just hung out and talked. We were there for about 4 hours when we decided to leave. We blasted Moulin Rouge songs on the way home and it couldnt have been a more perfect moment.

Max texted me and said if i wanted to come to the show at the Warfield that they would sneak me in. OKAY. so i headed up to SF and pretty much just walked in when they werent paying attention. i was there for about an hour and a half just hanging out in their dressing room. got to have a good talk with both max and then ben and it was really good. We went out to go eat and max says "slash is eating right now". So im not really a Velvet Revolver fan, but i know who slash is. Yeah, kind of a big deal. So i say "am i allowed to look at him or should i not make eye contact?". Max thought that was funny. And lo and behold there he was. It was pretty surreal. Then their manager came in and said they'll get kicked off the tour if they are caught sneaking anyone in. So i ran out. But luckily they had a more spots on their guest list than they thought, so i got on that. i met up with aaron's girlfriend and after about 2 hours of waiting, we got to go in. She was so nice and introduced me to all her friends and made sure i felt included. It was so sweet. Everyone was really nice. She said "drinks?" and i said "yes please!" so i bought a heinken (later when mine was empty, her friend noticed so he bought me another one. i just couldnt say no!). So we watched The Actual perform on stage at The Warfield. so crazy. then because being on the guest list apparnetly makes you a VIP, we went outside and hung out with the guys. then went backstage and hung out with them down there, then went out and watched velvet revolver. Not really a fan, but they are definately very entertaining. Max kept giving me little signals like grabbing my hand to pull me in to the crowd and putting his hand around my neck or on my back, but those all lasted only a few seconds. I just couldnt tell if he was just being nice or what. So who knows. He's so sweet and i love hanging out with those guys.

So thats been my life as of now.

My next big dilemna is friday. I was planning on going to see Everybody Else at SAN JOSE SKATE but i just found out one of my favorite bands, Dear and the Headlights, is playing in SF that night. i wouldnt even consider seeing DATH, but i'm probably going to see EE on tuesday. Plus, i was listening to DATH last night on my way home and it made me really really want to see them. yeesh. what to do, what to do.

ok, so thats not that big. my real next big dilema is where to work this summer. Do i want to continue being a nanny? or find something else? i dont know. i guess i'll just have to think long and hard and pray that He will guide me down the right path.

this is just the beginning

2007-04-22T21:16:00.000-07:00

i love the song Boston by Augustana and these are the best lines that are my life right now.

I think I'll start a new life
I think I'll start it over
Where no one knows my name
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town to leave this all behind

i'm so ready to start over. i feel like i am only half of who i should be. i think there's so much more to me you haven't seen (that ones for you jes7). so once i get out of this god-forsaken city, i'll finally become the person i know i am. the person who's buried inside, yearning to come out. she's been waiting awhile now, and she'll only have to wait 2 more months.

i feel like last night was a really good night. not only did i get to hang out with my bff, and see some old friends who i didnt realize i missed, but i also just felt really good. i felt like i looked good, which gave me more confidence which made me a better person. i wasnt that shy girl too scared to talk to any guys. i was calm, cool and collected and i had a lot of fun being ME. i really feel that that was just a preview of what its going to be like in LA. not because its LA, but because its a whole new city. a new place where i can start over and finally be whom i'm supposed to be.

catching up

2007-04-16T21:49:00.000-07:00

for the first time in a long time, i have been really busy. i usually use it as an excuse for the things "oh, you know, i've been busy" but thats a lie. i'm never busy. i just usually spend my time doing things that arent really necessary. but now, i have been busy.

i'll start with....
friday april 6th, went to san francsico and saw the lashes and then hung out with them until 4am. yeah. pretty much one of the most fun nights of my life.

saturday april 7th, i took pictures at a local park of an easter egg hunt that was put on by my parents church. not mine, my parents. i like saying that because its not my church...but thats a whole different story for a whole different time. anyways, that was fun getting to take pictures of some of the cutest little kids. then i picked up jesssssica, and met shannon and we went to san francisco. dropped of jessssss with nick to see The Killers and shannon and i went to the warfield to see Hellogoodbye, Boys Like Girls, The Hush Sound and A Cursive Memory. It was a great show. it sucks that i was so exhausted, but i still danced.

sunday april 8th, my brothers birthday and easter. got to wear my new dress to church, and saw some people i really missed and also saw some people i wouldnt mind never seeing again. but thats how most places can be. the scofields were in town so they came to church with us. then we went home and had easter lunch. mm mm it was good. then went to jessssss' and we took some promo shots for our sweet ass band (http://www.myspace.com/norwaythebandnotthecountry) and then went to san francsico (3rd day in a row) and saw our friends The Actual.

monday april 9th, MY BIRTHDAY!!!! it started off by me driving to LA but then i picked up lindsay and we headed into hollywood. met up with Danielle (who got me on the guest list, not uncommon) and saw Everybody Else and Rooney. great dance party. saw andy dick, mischa barton and camilla belle. that was cool. friends bought me bday drinks so it was extra fun ;) and it was overall a great night.

tuesday april 10th, did pretty much nothing. sat on lindsays computer and got to talk to jesssss through webcams (which was awesome) and showered and then lindsay took me to in-n-out and then we hung out for awhile and watched Failure to Launch.

wednesday april 11th, for some reason i woke up at 6:45am, but then that reason turned out that max wanted to take me to breakfast =D so i got up and packed, said my goodbyes and went to burbank and met max for breakfast. at about 9:30 i headed home. got home around 2:30, met jess, shannon and craig for early dinner at bj's. then came home and packed for the opposite weather, Oregon.

thurs-sun, went to Oregon. hung out. saw family. shopped. it was really fun. just missed CA alot.

and now i am just working and trying to save up as much money as possible to move out by June 22nd. i cant believe its almost here. yeesh. im stoked.

well this was long, but im pretty sure only 2 people read this and they are 2 of the only people that really matter so whatever.

love you jess and lindsay!!!

but i could never call you mine

2007-03-27T18:31:00.000-07:00

Well you're the closest thing I have
To bring up in a conversation
About a love that didnt last
But I could never call you mine
Cause I could never call myself yours
And if we were really meant to be
Well then we justify destiny
Its not that our love died
Just never really bloomed

Well I can't let go
No, I can't let go of you
You're holding me back without even trying to.
I can't let go
I can't move on from the past
Without lifting a finger you're holding me back.

And then we saw our paths diverge
And I guess I felt OK about it.
Until you got with another man,
And then I could't understand
Why it bothered me so.
How we didn't die we just
Never had a chance to grow.

I can't let go
No, I can't let go of you
You're holding me back without even trying to.
I can't let go
I can't move on from the past.
Without lifting a finger you're holding me back.

And it might not make much sense
To you or any of my friends
Though somehow still you affect the things I do.
And you cant lose what you never had
I dont understand why I feel sad
Every time I see you out with someone new.

I can't let go
No, I can't let go
No, I can't let go of you.

I can't let go
No, I can't let go of you
You're holding me back without even trying to.
I can't let go
I can't move on from the past
Without lifting a finger you're holding me back.

this could be the end, then begin again.

2007-03-24T19:25:00.000-07:00

salt tasting tear
they roll off of my lips
one for each day I'm inside this house, it's a trap
one I can't quite escape so pretent it's the place that I love

i want to leave san jose.
i hate having to do things i dont want to because i feel bad.
i dont like living at home.
i want to be free and not feel bad for doing things.
i just want to do them and have that be it.

or maybe i just shouldnt be doing them at all.
there really is no point.

im going to be 22 in less than a month and i think my life is just starting to come together.
well, atleast i hope so.

ugh

2007-03-19T21:12:00.000-07:00

i was just trying to help.

but apparently i failed.

im sorry if i hurt you.
those werent my intentions.

i don't even think you know it, but you helped me today.
so thank you.

i will wirte you a song

2007-03-04T09:54:00.000-08:00

all i ask, is to find a guy who appreciates me and then writes a song about it like this.

"I Just Do"
-Dear and the Headlights

oh so the words have all been said
i'm feeling so bored it's new to me i guess
i'm scared to death
but oh! i just love you
oh! i just love you
i'm telling my friends i've gotta go
that i need rest but i'm running for the phone
i think Casey knows
but oh! i just love you
oh! i just love you

watch now on my wrist
a collared shirt in hand
clean cuts your dead
i'm lying out the flaws
come meet your new in-laws
now here's the awkward pause
when i look at you
i've caught myself off guard a time or two
there's 20 times i've realized that i've been staring
way too long and you're done talking
not to mention, i've stopped breathing
i'm such a mess

i'm rushing to open your car door
you'll even open mine before
i can turn the key
and oh! i just love you
oh! i just love you
you're calling to say hi on your break
in less than 20 words you've made my whole damn day
oh! i just love you
oh! i just love you

in the coffee shop
you sipped your drink and we all sat and talked
my mind it wandered off
alone to find the
but when you talk you stand still in my side
i switch guides its a wayback in my mind
just then i realized there what i had to do
cause i couldn't stand to look at you
across another crowded room
and know that you would not be mine

oh time drags its feet
but somehow you sneak it past me night after night
at this rate if you stay with me,
you'll go to bed at 23 and wake up 65
well next to you that would be just fine
that'd be just fine

im rushing to open your car door
you'll even open mine before
oh! i just love you
oh! i just love you
you're calling to say hi on your break
you made my whole damn day
oh! i just love you
oh! i just love you
and oh! i just love you
oh! i just love you

i don't belong here

2007-02-28T16:34:00.000-08:00

after a week in LA, i am now more confident then ever about moving down to LA. i have been wanting to move down there for awhile now, but i have always been a little scared. i still am of course, i mean, i am moving away from the life i have known for almost 22 years but after being there for the week, everything just felt right. the people were surprisingly nice, the venues were great, we made some sweet new friends and i just had that good feeling, you know?

i dont know if i am explaining it right, but all i know is LA is where i belong at this point of my life and i cant wait until June when this dream finally comes true.

i just want friends. dont get me wrong, i have some and they are the best people in the world. but i feel like i dont fit in here. the kind of people i want to be friends with dont exist in NorCal or something.
i'm getting out.
i'm moving on.
and i couldnt be happier.

you may not understand this, but i do and that's really all that matters. people say "whats so great about LA?" or "LA's too big" or "LA is dirty and sketchy". well, you may be right. but not to me. like i said, its hard to explain. just know that this is what i want and i couldnt be happier.

june, please come quickly.
-jess

life is beautiful

2007-02-10T16:41:00.000-08:00

its been awhile, but no one reads this anyways so i'm not going to apologize.

i have been really happy lately. the only thing holding me back from doing the things i wanna do is money, but im still not even letting that stop me. ive just decided money isnt everything so i dont need to go out to eat and i dont need that cute shirt i saw at forever21. but i do need to move out...we'll see how that goes.

the best advice for myself right now is
no boys = no drama

these next couple weeks are going to be rather delightful.

feb 14 - free Copeland show
feb 16 - The Actual at Slim's
feb 18 - leave for SoCal
feb 18 & 19 - hang out with Seth in Santa Barbara
feb 19-24 - hang out with Lindsay
feb 20 - Cartel, Cobra Starship, Boys Like Girls, and Quietdrive in LA
feb 22 - The Wildbirds in LA
feb 23 - maybe The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus in Santa Barbara
feb 24 - maybe a show in LA/maybe a club with The Actual
feb 25 - head home/maybe a show at Slim's
feb 28 - The Moog in SF

and then comes march

march 2 - The Actual at Slim's
march 14 - Taking Back Sunday in SF
march 16 - Taking Back Sunday AND My Chemical Romance in RENO, NEVADA

yeah. im pretty excited for life.

to want (verb) to feel a need or a desire for

2007-01-11T18:03:00.000-08:00

my emotions have been on a rollercoaster lately.
but things have settled so hopefully i can calm down.

my parents are in New Orleans again helping with Hurrican Katrina stuff. I miss them. I really look up to them too. I dont tell them that enough. this is the 2nd time they have gone to Loiusianna to help clean up houses. They also went to Thailand to help with Tsunami relief and they are going again in a few months. flippin' do-gooders...but its definately something to look up to. the more i talk to people and get to know them and what their families are like, the more thankful i am for mine. there are so many messed up people in this world and i wouldnt trade a single thing for mine. i dont really complain about them, but when i do, i try and remember how good i have it compared to others.

my brother is in Europe for another week or so. He's in Venice right now and im so jealous. i absolutley loved Venice and i want to go back so bad. I miss him too. we dont talk much and we arent very close, but he is someone else i definately look up to. he's just...i dont know. he just always seems to be "doing the right thing" and is on track with his spiritual life and he's just someone i look up to.

i want it to be warmer.
i want it to be the week of february 20th.
i want it to be summer.
i want to be skinny.
i want to be happy.
i want to move out.
i want to be a rockstar.
i want to feel pretty.
i want to be loved by someone other than my family and friends.

i want.
i want.
i want.

but what do i need?
this is something i need to figure out.
and soon.

ode to...

2007-01-07T14:00:00.000-08:00

Call up all your friends and tell them it can't end
You don't know what you'd do if you lost her
And lost me too
That's fine
That's good
That's nice
I understand the price
The cost of craving dark instead of light
I flip a coin to see if you still care tonight
My blood
My hand
My soul
I've thrown them onto you without control
The things I freely give you stole
And now I'm left in pieces
Oh it's all right
I know she needs you more than I do
And I wouldn't win this fight

tortoise

2007-01-05T16:51:00.000-08:00

i'm going to get a tortoise. and name it charles.

new years

2007-01-04T16:18:00.000-08:00

this new years = pretty much the best new years i have ever had. i hope what they say is true...the way your news years goes, is the way the rest of your year will be. then 2007 is going to be an amazing year. here are a few pictures....

models?

we were always on the dance floor. we were called "the dancing queens".

"youre my best friend! i love you!"

tattoo

2007-01-04T16:02:00.000-08:00

i'm gonna hopefully add to my tattoo. i really want to, i'm just not sure if i'll have the money. jesssssssica is getting hers on the 14th for her bday and I am definately going with her, and i want to get mine too. I just don't know if i'll have the money.

but i do know what i want. under my tattoo's i currently have i want to add Bible references that represent the word i already have. Like this...

the first one is the one that will go underneath Hope on my right wrist. and the other 2 i have not decided which one i want to go underneath Love on my left wrist. of course i will only get the references and not the whole verse. and i'll either get them in a pretty cursive or a nice calligraphy.

if i dont get them on the 14th, i'll stil get them. maybe for my bday or something.

for the moment the "we" is reprieved

2007-01-02T15:07:00.000-08:00

once again, Rachael Yamagata says it better than i can. everytime i listen to her, i find something else that i love. or something will happen in my life, and then i'll listen and i swear she just wrote that song for me. Or sometimes the song will mean one thing to me about a certain person but then later i'll listen again and the song fits for someone else as well. its pretty ridiculous but it makes me love her even more.

Like this song "Under My Skin", i used to think about this one boy and how i sometimes wish he could find someone else so i could move on easier. even though i dont completely want to move on. And now as i listened to it this afternoon, i thought about another boy that i consider one of my closest friends and recent events have somewhat led me to believe something else could happen....but there is someone else he's holding on to that i cant replace. I'd honestly rather have him be with her than have this "what if" feeling hanging over my head.

So here's the song that i can't get out of my head right now thinking of them. and in all honesty, you'll probably be seeing alot more of her lyrics in my blog because i can relate to just about every song of hers in one way or another.

Under My Skin
I hesitate to say I was bait for you
Could that be something that you all would do?
I'd be lying if I did now say I wasn't intrigued
But timing is everything here,
and for the moment the "we" is reprieved
But, as I watch the girl unfold before my eyes, I discover
That I like her

Would you please get out from under my skin?
'Cause I can't begin this yet
And I don't know what my intentions are
They're speaking in a different tongue
And deep inside, I'm not as tough as I seem
But I won't let you know
Until it's right, I'm gonna stay my distance
And you should go

I'm in the dance, and it's a chance
But stay and watch awhile
I'll be singing a tune just for you with a smile
And maybe, if I'm lucky
You'll tip your hat to me, and you'll discover
That you like her

Would you please get out from under my skin?
'Cause I can't begin this yet
And I don't know what my intentions are
They're speaking in a different tongue
And, deep inside, I'm not as tough as I seem
But I won't let you know
Until it's right, I'm gonna stay my distance
And you should go

Crazy as it all plays out
I think I'm lonelier than I've ever been before
'Cause I was so close
To going through that door
But I don't want to be to blame for them
I don't want to be to blame

Oh, would you please get out from under my skin?
'Cause I can't begin this yet
And I don't know what my intentions are
They're speaking in a different tongue
And, deep inside, I'm not as tough as I seem
But I won't let you know
Until it's right, I'm gonna stay my distance, and you should go

Oh, would you please get out
I'm not as strong as I seem, but I won't let you know

in the beginning...

2007-01-02T11:13:00.000-08:00

it seems these blogs are getting more and more popular. thats not why i am joining though. i like to write. i might not be good at it, but i like to do it. i dont even know if i'll tell anyone i started this and if i do, if anyone will read it and honestly i dont care. I tell my best friend everything so its not like i need something like this just to get things off my chest. but i like seeing things written down. i started a livejournal but i didnt like it. so we'll see how this works out.

i must warn you, some of these might be totally random, but thats me. its who i am and its what i do and i love it.

so thats the first post. more to come soon im sure.